By Saryn Chorney
Guess who's swinging single this week… Paris Hilton, Usher, Billy Joel and — shocker! Kate Gosselin — are just a few stars who are back on the market. Let's check out what happens when celebs stop being in polite relationships and start placing personal ads.
Simply Hot Heiress, 28, sks short-term boyfriend and/or foreign fiance, for "the usual." Likes: looking in mirror, night vision, photo opps, everything pink, Tinkerbell, product endorsement deals, PDA, choosing amongst fake friends, making fun of Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, Tara Reid, and many more. Dislikes: jail, STD rumors, John McCain, Notties, wonky eyes, big feet, sex tapes (no, really!), intellectual activities, brain cells, Doogie Rottenheart, lame things and uncool stuff. Can you love me like I love me?
Hi, I'm Doug, 23, not sure what to say. I like famous chicks and being kinda, like famous, too. I don't like paparazzi only taking pictures of the girl I'm with, HELLO, I'm here, too, dudes. Baseball rocks! And frozen burritos are da bomb. Awwyeah! Uh, what else, what else … Cannes is pretty sweet, but Laguna Beach is way cooler. Au revoir, Paris, I'm single! Did I mention that? I need some hair pomade. If you have some, let's hook up and go on vacation, etc. Text me.
Mean Mamma Jamma, 34, sks faithful, muscle-bound man who LOVES kids (but has none of this own) and will shower me with TLC. Must enjoy tabloid feeding frenzy, organic snack time, "The Wiggles," my super-awesome haircut that everybody adores, my brand new bikini body and spankings. Dislikes include my soon-to-be-ex-husband, Octomom, clipping coupons, fertility drugs and all my dang childen. Oops, scratch those last two. I'm not bossy — I mean, not busy — at all, so call! Childcare experience preferred.
Got It Bad (For Cougars), 30, sks non-surgically enhanced older lady friend interested in private crooning sessions and more. Likes: being a mononym, my sick-pack, my momma's opinion, romance, wine, candles, and getting so caught up — especially in the club. Dislikes: stop-and-go weddings, people who say "I told you so", age-appropriate women who don't have kids, Justin Timberlake (not jealous!), missing the Grammys and spelling out the word "you." Hey, Kate G. — Call me!
Piano Man, 60, sks younger, physically and intellectually mismatched gal who loves, or at least tolerates me, just the way I am. Must enjoy Italian restaurants, summer BBQs at Hamptons estate, private jets and/or yachts, frequent visits to the Betty Ford Clinic, and tortured genius, in general. Must not mind same-age step-daughter, competing with the perfection that is Christie Brinkley, Democrat-only pals, and Gordon Lightfoot jokes. I want to make you feel my love, and I mean that in the most lyrical way possible.
Silver Vixen, 83, sks much younger boy toy to do the foxtrot with, on stage or under the covers. Enjoys lap dances (giving and receiving), tantalizing Ed Asner, talking trash about Betty White (slut!), dancing with stars and posing "au naturel" with fruit and vegetables. Dislikes include menopause, John Stamos' breath, dressing age-appropriately, driving violations, and any less than 10 hours of sleep. I am not Phyllis Diller, damn it!
Ragin Cajun, 23, sks mother lover, er, lover just like my mother, for high times, long drives and occasional misdemeanor trespassing. Likes: hippies, Jon Voight, Megan Fox rumors (who wouldn't?), clowning Adrian Grenier, "Holes", and yeah, playing with "Transformers" action figures. So what? Dislikes: being poor, breathalyzer tests, appearing in court, my bum hand and most Disney Channel associations. I am a beefy gift from God. Literally.