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1. On his workout routine: [Q: And you're working out even a couple of times a day?] "Umm...Yeah, but there's only one time in the gym if you catch my drift."
2. On his porn star family of "Goddesses": "Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and Bible grippers."
3. On Alcoholics Anonymous and recovery: "I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself... It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? [Expletive deleted] I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done ... you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"
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4. On his tropical getaway with ex-wife Brooke Mueller and two mistresses: "Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you're going to need it. Badly. ... She's not there now and we are and I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn't make the rules. Oops."
5. On "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre: "I'm tired of being told, 'You can't talk about that, you can't talk about that.' [Expletive deleted] There's something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine -- yeah, that's Chuck's real name -- mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he's above the law."
6. On Sheen: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time -- and this includes naps -- I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."
7. On "Major League 3": "It's being directed and written by a genius named David Ward ... It was his pen and his vision that created the classic that we know today as 'Major League.' In fact, a lot of people think the movie's called 'Wild Thing,' as they should. Whatever ... If they want me in it, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat."
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8. On not messing with Sheen: "There's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins."
9. On the Architect of the Declaration of Independence: "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a [expletive deleted]."
10. On God knows what: "Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."