Life in the Playboy Mansion was anything but glamorous for Holly Madison. In fact, it was equivalent to a nightmare.
The former Playboy model details her life in the famous estate in her upcoming book "Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny," saying she contemplated suicide multiple times.
Laying in the bath one day in "misery" in 2002, Madison wrote that she thought about ending it all. "If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over," she thought. "Would anyone even miss me?"
Her suicidal thoughts continued, "Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading."
In fact, the first time she met Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner she claims he offered her drugs.
"'Would you like a Quaalude?' Hef asked, leaning toward me with a bunch of large horse pills in his hands, held together by a crumpled tissue," Holly wrote. "Hef did not miss a beat: 'Okay, that's good,' he said, nonchalantly. 'Usually, I don't approve of drugs, but you know, in the '70s they used to call these pills thigh-openers,'" he allegedly told her.
Holly even accused Hugh of being a manipulator and he "pitted [his girlfriends] against one another," she wrote. "I don't have any loyalty to Hef. I haven't talked to him in four years, so there's no reason to reach out now. Besides, it's the truth."
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Outside the gates of the mansion, the girls led "incredibly glamorous" lives, but inside the gates life was far from picturesque. She wrote that Hef liked the "twisted world" that he created, one that included backstabbing, drugs and insecurity among all of his girlfriends. Holly said she doesn't even speak to her old friend Kendra Wilkinson anymore.
"I just couldn't take my misery anymore," she said of that fateful, nearly tragic evening the tub. "Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference."
Hef, she thought, wouldn't even care and her death would essentially be swept under the rug. "I was certain I was just another warm body -- as we all were," she wrote. "'Just another blonde,' I could hear him say."
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Holly recently told Wonderwall.com why she even wanted to write the memoir.
"I wanted to do it because I always felt like there were a lot of misconceptions about my life and the Playboy Mansion and the TV shows. I felt like everyone else sort of had to have their say and I felt like I never got to share my story.
"Every chapter is different and there's a different chapter of dirt everywhere," she continued. "As I started writing it and seeing the chapters come together I was like, 'Man there's a good level of dirt.' It's like a garden that's going to grow wonderful things."
Holly's book comes out on June 23.
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