By Paige Ferrari
You've got to root for Jessica Simpson, right? She's taken so many knocks recently it almost seems cruel to list them all. (Though if we had to make a list, it might include: being ridiculed for her weight, losing her country music record deal, being surpassed both personally and professionally by her former ugly-duckling sister, becoming a repeat victim of John Mayer's tractor beam, and getting dumped right before her birthday. Whew.)
That's why it brings us no pleasure to present you with the saddest 15 words you're likely to ever read in this crazy, messed-up celebriblogiverse. Those words are: "Tony Romo left Jessica Simpson in an IHOP parking lot in the middle of Texas."
That's according to a National Enquirer report which says that, a few weeks before their big split, Tony and Jessica got into a fight while driving. The row escalated until Tony was left with no choice but to pull the car over into the parking lot of the world's most beloved breakfast chain and order Jessica out.
This tragic event -- or brilliant piece of fan fiction, whatever -- reportedly ended with Jessica "crying her eyes out," while Tony sped off. (Since this story is pretty specious to begin with, we're going to add an embellishment of our own here and say that, as Jessica grew smaller in the rearview, Tony blasted "Free Fallin'" with the windows down.) He's a bad boy, see? 'Cause he don't even miss her.
Just imagine Jessica, brokenhearted, all alone except for IHOP's delicious offerings ... the very types of offerings which left her straining at the seams of those infamous high-waisted jeans. Then try not to weep.
Could this tragic tale of love, hate, Texas parking lots, and comfort food actually be true? Would Tony Romo be capable of such unspeakable cruelty? We bet John Mayer "forgot" to pick Jess up from Sizzler all the time. Just for kicks! But Romo? Say it ain't so, cowboy.
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- Feb. 12, 2017 The cutest kiddos of the 2017 Grammy Awards