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By Melissa Hunter

After months of reclusion, rehab and apologies, Tiger Woods has filmed his first post-scandal Nike commercial. He doesn't speak in the ad, which presumably would be a good thing. But instead, it's narrated by the voice of what is intended to be his dead father Earl Woods.

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Sigh. Where is Don Draper when you need him? Mainly so Don can fix this mess, but also so he can personally smack every one of those Nike ad execs.

We can't tell whether the narration came from real quotes, doctored recordings or some professional Tiger Woods' father impersonator, but in any case it was unsettling. He says, "I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything?"

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And all Tiger does is stare into the camera looking, well, constipated, but I think it was intended to be remorse. We'll give him a pass on that one as he's not an actor. Nor does he know what remorse means.

But really, who was the Nike exec who said in a brainstorm, "Well, people don't like Tiger, but you know who they can't hate? A dude with a dead dad." I'm surprised there weren't photos of Tiger as a baby flashing through the ad too. People also can't hate babies. Kittens and unicorns would have helped too.

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Sure, Nike can't ignore the scandal and I think they were trying to go for the "sometimes even heroes falter" angle. But I still feel as used and manipulated as I did the first time I saw the Fred Astaire Dirt Devil commercial.

Though all would have been forgiven had Tiger channeled his inner teen at the end of the commercial and shouted, "GOD, DAD! Get out of my life!" Runs to room. Slams door.