By Melissa Hunter
Today marks the 34th birthday of the most powerful celebrity in the world (according to Forbes, that is ... my vote is with Scott Baio, but whatever, not my list.) Between her six children, multiple charities, a movie in production, the hottest husband you can find, and her throngs of fans, it must be a tough call on how to spend this momentous occasion.
Angelina Jolie has been flooding celebrity news for, well, always, but the past week has had some pretty wild speculation about her life ... so let's turn to the world of sensationalized journalism to figure out her options, shall we?
REPORT: ANGELINA HOSPITALIZED! Angelina had reportedly hit her head and was bleeding between the eyes while filming the new thriller "Salt." She had to be rushed to the hospital. RUSHED! She was said to have suffered a minor concussion, but returned to work the next day.
Party Option 1: With that kind of injury, she probably forgot her birthday, so no celebration needed. Saved yourself a trip to Zales, there, Brad.
REPORT: WINONA TALKS ABOUT ANGIE. LIKES HER!! In a recent rampantly covered interview with Winona Ryder, she says that she was not jealous of Angelina for all the attention Angelina received for "Girl, Interrupted." She also said Angie faced her beauty, and conquered it (take note, Jessica Biel and Megan Fox). That's sure is some breaking ten year old news.
Party Option 2: Reunion party with the cast of "Girl, Interrupted!" Winona and Angie can kiss and makeup. Jared Leto can gain a fleeting moment of relevance. And Brittany Murphy (aka "Ramen Girl") can cry in the corner wishing she could still be in movies with Angelina.
REPORT: BRAD AND ANGELINA SPLIT! NO FOOLIN', GUYS! The National Enquirer, those little sleuths, "broke" the "story" that Angelina and Brad have OFFICIALLY split. This "official" story was given to them by an "insider" (getting tired of using quotes, but it seems to be "effective"). Brad is indeed moving to Los Angeles to film his new movie, while Angie is still filming on the East Coast, so any tabloid journalist worth their salt (zing!) can easily spin thus as "SEPARATED!" or "SPLIT!"
Party Option 3: Single ladies dance party! Get her together with all of her single gal friends. You know, those girlfriends that Angie hangs out with. You know the ones. Those friends. That she has.
REPORT: OH, JUST KIDDING, BRAD AND ANGELINA NOT SPLIT. WHOOPS. Turns out the National Enquirer's report was false. You mean, the Enquirer posts fake stories? My world is shaken. Their reps have called the story "completely untrue."
Party Option 4: Long-distance Brangelina meet mid-way to celebrate her birthday. Be on the lookout, Smith County, Kansas for two stunning demi-gods toting a string of multi-cultural children at your local Olive Garden!
REPORT: ANGELINA THE BABY-MAKER! Reports have been coming out that Angie may be pregnant with her 7th child. While I'm all for Pitt-Jolie offspring, this story comes again from our pal "the ambiguous insider" so we'll have to take it with a grain of salt (just can't stop the salt puns). However, with no new movie on the horizon after "Salt" wraps, there could be some truth to it.
Party Option 5: A quiet night at home. You know, one of the homes ... let's say the French chateau, with the kids and Brad singing to her by a fire, making S'Mores and toasting with Martinelli's. Oh, and a new tattoo with the new baby's birth coordinates, naturally.
Happy Birthday, Angie! The world is your oyster, and we wish you and Brad many more happy barnacles to come.