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By Melissa Hunter

After last week's epic bro-battle between the "Young Girls Debasing Themselves" founder, erm, "Girls Gone Wild" creator and the "Hills" toolbox Brody Jenner, it was hard to say who we were rooting for. Really it was a fight where whomever lost, everybody won. Until Joe Francis opened his mouth and tried to form sentences. Now I might be on Team Brody (and I really never thought I'd say that).

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Francis tells Fox's Pop Tarts, "I am the victim of a crime and I have bigger fish to fry. I'm dealing with some idiot, some club rat in Hollywood, and this is ridiculous because I'm a million times above this."

A MILLION, guys! That's like, so many times above it. He doesn't have time to trifle with club rats. He was in a serious business meeting at that club, convincing a girl with new implants to take off her top. Can't you let a business man do his work, Brody?

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He continues his defense, "It was another unprovoked attack. It was so interesting because in that attack, Jayde punches Abbey Wilson, her new best friend, who was the girl by her side that she went to rescue, who was my girlfriend at the time ... I don't know who Jayde is, I've never talked to that girl. I'm so above these people."

OK, wait, slow down there Joe. I'm confused. So Jayde (Brody's GF) is best friends with Abbey, who was your GF (as of last week), but you have no idea who she is. But you're above all of them. OK. Alright, still not following, but do go on. Maybe about something a little easier to understand than the ins and outs of yours and Brody's web of ladies.

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Maybe about something a little more high brow. A word about Kant's Transcenedental Idealism? Your take on Keynesian economics in relation to the global economic downturn? The size of Brody's package?

"Take a highlighter, put your fingers around that, and take half of it," he says of Brody' endowment, claiming that a few "Hills" stars agree.

But then he gets into more serious issues, saying, "It's just so stupid. L.A. is about to burn to down and people give a crap about this? I'm concerned about people's houses and these fires ... If you watch these fires coming over the hills, that's where my concern is. Not Brody on 'The Hills,' the kid is a loose cannon."

Gosh, he's so sensitive. All he cares about are the fires on the hills NOT Brody on "The Hills." He only cares about L.A.'s deepest issues, like raising awareness on the devastating fires ... and making sure everyone knows Brody has a tiny johnson. All in one interview, no less. Way to go, Joe. Always making me proud to be an Angeleno.