By Melissa Hunter
Bette Midler may be a singer-actor-dancer-multi-hyphenate-extroadinaire, but now she's adding a new role to her repretoire: Hollywood's prying grandmother.
No, she's not force-feeding young starlets her tuna casserole (though she really should), but playing matchmaker to our favorite A-list single-girl sob story: Jennifer Aniston.
People Magazine interviewed Midler after her Las Vegas revue "The Showgirl Must Go On" (which, incidentally, made me dance in the aisles and sing along to "Hero" while inexplicably crying, in case you wanted to know). For some reason, they asked Midler what kind of guy would be good for Jennifer Aniston. Someone giving Jen love advice who's never worked with her or knows her personally? Now there's a refreshing idea.
Bette suggests, "She needs an exciting guy, like a race-car driver."
A race car driver! Now we're talking. I would love to see Jennifer Anniston in the bleacher seats at the Indianapolis 500, munching on cheese popcorn, killing Buds from a beer-helmet, and hollerin' catty remarks at Danica Patrick.
Bette continues, "I think she needs somebody who cherishes her, but also somebody who's going to give her a run for her money. She should find somebody who is really hot, who's not in show business. Somebody with a lot of money, and she should live the large life and forget about these a--holes..."
Yeah, Jen: Just find a hot, loaded, super-nice guy who worships the ground you walk on and is as accomplished as you are but not in show business. No bigs. There are literally tens of those kinds of guys for you to chose from.
When asked about John Mayer, Midler says, "Well, he's a good-looking guy. I've got to say, I watched it for awhile, but I have no opinion."
Very diplomatic. Bette should run for political office. I would call him a cruise-riding, fame-grubbing, pseudo-emo sleaze, but that's just me.
People then asked the leading question of whether or not Jen should try out an online dating service. Bette responds, "Oh, please, you mean JDate? Put her up on JDate and see how she does!"
If Jen signed up for JDate, the site would instantaneously crash with Shiksa-goddess lust overload. Maybe it's for the best that Jen steers clear of NASCAR and online dating and sticks to what she knows: on-screen chemistry, red-carpet flirtations, after-party canoodling, and all of the stuff celebrity gossip is made of.
We're counting on you, Jen.