The Chateau Marmont. This 80-year-old hotel has been a legendary Hollywood institution since the days when actresses had curves and actors had unironic mustaches. The hotel, restaurant, and bar have served as a rich environment for creatures of beauty, wealth, and narcissism. Here we give you an exclusive inside look at the institution known for some of the classic celeb debacles.
Whether you have an arrest warrant or are recovering from a volatile breakup, look to the Chateau for a safe haven. Lindsay Lohan stayed there after last month's little arrest warrant mix-up and has been seen partying there post-Ronson. However, when you're the biggest news story in town and paparazzi are lurking around every corner, it might be best for you to stick to the nearest Best Western.
In case you were looking to snag a sexy actor with a bad case of the runs, look no further than the Chateau. Josh Hartnett made his 911 call from the hotel when he was ailing from bad drinking water. We can assure you, however, that no Third World water is used on the premises. In fact, water is purified in-house using only the condensation from celebrity sweat in the air. True story.
If you want to make new friends, no need to resort to the "strictly platonic" personals on Craigslist. The Chateau's canopied pool cabanas provide a private arena (limited to guests and paparazzi) to branch out and meet new people. That's where odd couple Tila Tequila and Meghan McCain met to share a cigarette, discuss dirty politics and sexy politicians, and discover their shared passion for making their fathers cry.
Not only does the hotel have a strict dress code, but a car code exists in the valet line as well. Maseratis are the hotel's preferred ride, however Bentleys are acceptable so long as you're of the Kardashian clan (and you have Kim with you. … Seriously, don't bother unless you have Kim in tow).
Any hipster worth his salty attitude will be going to Bar Marmont for some late-night drinks. Jared Leto, for example, has canoodled with many a starlet within the walls of the Chateau. But if you want to follow in his footsteps, make sure you are in your full starlet-magnet gear: clashing flannel, deliberately radical hair, and neon footwear.
When you've just found your newest BFF (best fake friend), what better way to celebrate than downing a few drinks at the Chateau before going out to get your new friendship bracelets (for real people) or friendship tattoos (for celebrities)? Black out early on high-class libations at Bar Marmont, then wake up to find your own TwitPics all over the Internet to remind yourself of what you did.
Lunch never tasted as good as it does at Chateau Marmont's outdoor patio cafe. Celebrities flock to the sun-filled cafe for its delicious entrees or refreshing lemon water (no judgment there). The cafe serves as one of the few ways you can keep from vomiting when having a lunch meeting with your Ari Gold-wannabe agent. Doesn't Cameron Diaz look positively delighted about a meeting with her rep?
When you're planning a celebrity event, why not host it within the castle-like walls of the Chateau? You'll be in the ranks of GQ and Vanity Fair, among other literary luminaries who have hosted red-carpet events here. And since celebs are attracted to this place like moths to a flame, you're sure to get an A-list turnout without even trying.
If you need a place to crash after a busy awards season, leave it to the Chateau to house you in style. The hotel offers soundproof rooms (they know what's up), private garden bungalows, and 24-hour shoe shines(!!). Among many this past awards season, Bono was one of the guests at the hotel and was swarmed by fans upon departure. While the hotel offers extensive security, be warned that you are left to your own defenses against crazy fans outside the perimeter.
Not to be outdone by all of its celebrity guests, the Chateau Marmont will be starring in Sofia Coppola's new movie. After 80 years of passing out its headshot and doing countless of hours of Pilates, Marmont will finally get the break it's been dreaming of. So get in there fast, before it becomes too much of a hotshot to remember that time you got drunk and made a fool of yourself there.