We'll be the first to admit that Tom Cruise, People's Sexiest Man Alive in 1990, has held up well, looks-wise. But this onetime dreamboat sprung a leak the moment he hopped on Oprah's couch in 2005 to declare his love for a newly dead-eyed Katie Holmes. Now, the mere sight of him makes us shudder as we wonder whether he'll start proselytizing about Scientology, or regale us with well-worn tales about how he does his own stunts (we get it, Tom. In fact, we got it 15 years ago, so it might be time to find a new shtick).
But nothing says more about his deep-seated need to reclaim his long-ago Tom Terrific title than casting his petite self as the massive Jack Reacher in "One Shot," a film based on novelist Lee Child's popular 6-foot-5-inch, 250-pound hero. Toss in the constant (and obvious) photo ops with shutterbug-hating daughter Suri, his recent love for dorky fedoras and his shirtless, balcony-set singing for paparazzi, and you have all the makings of a shipwreck.