- Photo: Larry Marano/Retna Digital1 of 62
By Kat Giantis
Waist Mismanagement: Let's be clear. This is not about Jessica Simpson's waistline. Her body looks perfectly fine. More than fine, actually. It has a decadently va-va-voomy thing going on. No, the starlet's figure is not the problem. The problem is that she chose to crowbar her figure into what we feel with some degree of certainty are the plug-ugliest jeans on the planet, nay, universe. These high-waisted, mega-pocketed abominations are a crime against all pants, and to dismiss them merely as mom jeans would be an insult to outmoded mothers the world over. Simpson's self-sabotaging choice could have something to do with the fact that she's performing at a chili cook-off (admit it, you'd just give up, too). But letting your belted denim get overly familiar with your sternum doesn't help anyone. Jess is petite, and petite women must be extra diligent about finding clothes that fit and flatter. That means no Urkel rejects and definitely no double-banded, leopard-print Peg Bundy belts with built-in muffin-topping capabilities. Besides, it's not as if she doesn't know any better. This is a woman with her own clothing line, for crying out loud. She's even donned hitched-up jeans before, with similarly gruesome results, although come to think of it, two months after stepping out in those rib-cinching, silhouette-destroying trousers, she landed the cover of Us Weekly with her exclusive secret to losing "20 pounds in two months!" Maybe all of Jessica's missteps, fashion and otherwise, are part of a master plan to keep her in the spotlight, which would actually make her some sort of -- ow, our brain is suddenly all hurt-y -- evil genius.