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Kanye West gets his own religion: Bow down before Yeezianity

Wonderwall, Friday, January 17, 2014, 10:58am (PST)
  • In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then he created something equally vast: Kanye West's ego. Now, months after the release of his album, "Yeezus," the wonder that is the future Mr. Kim Kardashian has become an object of worship courtesy of his very own religion, Yeezianity.

    The newly created Church of Yeezus (also known as "The best church of all time!") promotes the gospel of 'Ye, which, considering his latest fisticuffs-filled incident, does not include turning the other cheek. It does, however, feature the following Golden Rule: "Create for others what you would have created for yourself."

    "We are an anonymous group who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is the highest living human being," proclaims the website, "and he will help to usher in a New Age of humanity."

    To become a Ye'ciple (don't blame us for that one), all you have to do is email the church an unidentifiable selfie that shows you holding a sign that reads, "I Believe in Yeezus." Knowing its audience, the church drives this point home by having a cute cat pose next to this written declaration.

    "This has been building for 100 years," the anonymity-preferring founder explains to the New York Daily News. "Yeezianity is the new American Dream."

    Adds the website, "He has shown the modern world the creative potential of a human being, and he serves as a living model for behavior and ethic."

    We didn't realize public tantrums, glitter masks and motorcycle-set nookie were cause for such devotion, but to each his own.

    Yeezianity's founder is a philosophy major with a spiritual bent, who sums up his doctrine thusly: "Jesus has all this baggage and all these connotations, and Yeezus is this new thing."

    Here then, are Yeezianity's five pillars of faith:

    1. All things created must be for the good of All

    2. No human being's right to express themselves must ever be repressed

    3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange

    4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs

    5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

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