By Melissa Hunter
Bernie Madoff (aka "The Ponz"), the man behind the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single person, has been sentenced to 150 years in prison. After the news broke that $65 billion of inverstors' money was lost, a list was published of all the thousands who were scammed by Madoff. Many of which were just innocent celebrities trying to make an honest living with their millions of dollars. Here's a list of the most notable celeb victims.
Alright, guys, first one to make a Madoff biopic wins!
Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick: [Insert six degrees to Madoff joke here.] The celeb couple lost an undisclosed amount of money to Mr. Madoff. While he's safely in prison, we suggest Kyra get her anger out by staging a "Closer" special wherein she beats Bernie into confession with her adorable Southern drawl. Meanwhile, Kevin, we hear there's a "Footloose" remake brewing. If it were up to me, Hollywood would reimburse your fortune so you could reprise that role.
Uma Thurman (via fiance Arpad Busson): This is what you get for shacking up with a billionaire, Uma. But them's the breaks, I guess. Uma's fiance, French finanier Arpad Busson, lost money to the Ponzi scheme. But after being the baby daddy to Elle MacPherson, having an alleged affair with Farrah Fawcett, and now engaged to Uma, I don't think many will have sympathy. He can go run home to his Bahaman villa. Or his Chelsea mansion. Whichever is most convenient for his jet pilot.
Steven Spielberg: Steven lost personal investments and his charity, the Wunderkinder Foundation, invested a significant portion of it's assets into Madoff. Surely there's an epic movie to be made here. Ideally in outer space or with a few dinosaurs, please.
Larry King: One of the most famous news hosts of our time (and the unequivocal forerunner of the suspenders trend) didn't do much fact checking before investing over a $1 million in the Ponzi scheme. Losing that kind of money may have pushed his retirement back a few years. Good thing he was never, ever planning to anyway.
John Malkovich: No one knows what it's like to be John Malkovich (with the exception of everyone who was in "Being John Malkovich"). So we couldn't possibly know the hurt that Madoff inflicted upon Malkovich. Surely he can channel this into one of his next epic role. USE IT, John! USE IT!
Eliot Spitzer Where there's scandal, Spitzer folows. While serving as N.Y.'s attorney general, he was known as "the Sheriff of Wall Street" for his crusade against investment fraud. Guess since his, um, completely at-will resignation, he's gotten a little rusty. His family real estate firm invested an undisclosed amount of money with Madoff. This guy just can't catch a break. Wait, did I just make a sympathetic remark about Eliot Spitzer? Renegged. His WIFE can't catch a break. Someone should give her a medal.
Sandy Koufax: Mets' legend Koufax was another victim of Madoff. While Koufax may be retired, Mets owner Wilpon also took a hit along with two dozen other Madoff accounts that were associated with the Mets. Bernie, you might not want to try to escape when the entire Mets team is after you. Or their fans, for that matter. I'd be more worried about the fans.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: The original Hollywood socialite (by way of Hungary), Zsa Zsa took a rumored $10 million hit by the Madoff scheme. Husband (#9) of the 91-year old legend, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt said regarding the matter, If I was in New York I would take a baseball stick and hit this terrible man over the head." Don't worry, Fred, I think the Mets have that covered.
Jeffrey Katzenberg The Dreamworks CEO said that Madoff did "extraordinary damage" to his philanthropic efforts. He said in December, "That this man is actually walking free today I think is a disgrace." Justice has been served, Jeffrey. Now let's get back to making heartfelt animated movies. Surely you can recoup everyone's losses with some sort of Shrek-Madagascar hybrid flick.
John Denver: The late great country folk musician's estate, along with several companies in his name, were on the list of Madoff investors. To be swindled alive is one thing, but posthumously is just uncalled for.