By Paige Ferrari
What? Does a girl have to make a sex tape to get a pair of UGG boots around here?
Jennifer Aniston looks disappointed to discover that, contrary to weather reports, it is not, in fact, raining men.
Oh, hello. Fabio didn't see you there. He was just enjoying this wonderful day while holding a vat of Healthy Planet whey protein, like so. Good for making you strong. Like Fabio.
Kate Gosselin tries to up her Q-rating by dressing herself, plus Gosselins #4, #5, and #7, in pretty pink dresses. Worst part? We think it's working. We can't even remember which one she spanked.
Jude Law was so filled with joy upon greeting his fans, his shirt buttons just popped open. BOOM. Ain't got much on top, ladies, but there's plenty of chest hair to go around.
Owen Wilson jumps on an ocean trampoline in Tahiti while thinking to himself, "What's up, Kate Hudson? You may be dating A-Rod, but you totally could have had THIS."
Meanwhile, Sienna Miller realizes that promoting "G.I. Joe" aboard the HMS Belfast isn't quite as glamorous as riding topless on Baltazhar Getty's yacht.
EXTREME CLOSEUP! Lily Allen really really wants you to check out her ironic nerd glasses.
Is there anything sadder than twice-divorced Teri Hatcher all gussied up in a wedding dress? Well, yes, Jessica Simpson dressed up in a wedding dress. But that picture hasn't surfaced yet.
Kevin James shows off his athletic prowess by jumping four inches off the ground while wearing special, reinforced knee braces. Next time, he's bringing the Segway.
Who is this shrouded figure firing a water gun at the paparazzi? It's Lindsay Lohan. We swear. She's packing a pistol full of Sevin Nyne. You'll just have to take our word for it.
Tori Spelling looks horrified to discover that, while she squeaks in under the airline's weight limit for luggage, her actual suitcase does not.
Russell Brand hugs an EMT worker while wearing pants and a tank top that leave little to the imagination. Smart move, since he may need medical assistance when it comes time to wriggle out of this ensemble.