By Melissa Hunter
Given the economy, everyone needs to find ways to get the most bang for their buck. That's why celebrities have combined themselves with perfumes, shoes, and clothes, so that you can have a little A-list with every purchase. With J.Lo's newest (sixth, mind you) perfume, you can smell nice while feeling as inspired as the first time you watched "Gigli." Click through to see Paris, Kanye and more hot celeb sell-outs — I mean, products.
The JoBros' much-tweenticipated clothing line is coming out soon, kids. The line is exclusively for the tween girl set and will be called Jonas. That's just too easy, guys. At least call it Crappy Clothes or Fug-wear… give yourself some sort of challenge here. And, in yet another ploy to get 13-year-olds' money, Disney is launching a Back-to-School 2009 Virtual Fashion Show today (click here obsessively 'til it launches) with the likes of Selena Gomez and other tween royalty showing off some of their new lines. No word on exactly what the boy wonders have designed, but if they have purity rings for sale, I think that might very well bump us out of the recession.
Are you tired of your old Paris perfumes? Do you find that five just isn't enough? Well, good news folks! Paris is launching her sixth fragrance, called Siren, which has "a tropical floral fragrance with notes of vanilla bean and creamy musk." What the hell is a creamy musk? Guess we'll find out soon enough. Paris explains her choice to dress as a trashy mermaid, saying, "What girl doesn't want to have fun being a fantasy creature that men can't resist?" I think that about sums up Paris' entire goal in life.
Sleazy, meet Shameless. Ed Hardy and Jon Gosselin met in the south of France (with his new fame whore, er, girlfriend in tow) to finalize a deal to design a children's clothing line together. Combine the taste of Hardy with the moral character of Gosselin, and you've got the tackiest, most depraved line of overalls the world has ever known! Items will be sold exclusively at Douchebags'R'Us and will be launched right in time for the apocalypse.
A rumor is going around that Amy Winehouse's dad is looking to license her name to a perfume house. Yeah, you heard me. A source said he's in talks to launch a fragrance that he wants to "reflect her style with a classic smoky 1950s look and smell." Um, what? I smell something fishy. And no, it's not the early batches of her perfume. This sounds like something an uninspired blogger made up because they were out of jokes. But I'll get back to you after I do my market research on who would like to smell like a carton of Marlboros, Aqua Net, and vodka.
Kanye has been working on a Louis Vuitton sneaker this year, which had been promised to be released in the spring. Kanye talked a big game (shocker) about the shoes, but there have been delays for unspecified reasons until the end of the year. There were also rumors that the sneakers had already pre-sold out, but that was just Kanye hype (again, shocker). At least this gives you enough time to save up the $700-plus you'll need to buy a pair. Start saving. Do it for Kanye.
With her mom Tina, Beyonce Knowles is set to launch a teen clothing line, Fierce de Deréon. The line is inspired by Beyonce's stage presence. How abstract. What about inspired by her style? That would work too. The line will cover everything from sportswear to footwear to lingerie to eyewear. Eyewear? Like, sleeping masks and false eyelashes? Weird. And yes — teen lingerie — just in time for back-to-school. Just think, parents, your daughters will be in sequined bootylicious unitards in no time!
Oh wait, guys there's more. If Amy and Paris aren't enough for your sniffer to stomach, er, handle, Christina Aguilera is coming out with her third fragrance called By Night in September. The launch, however, is exclusively in Europe for the time being. You see, this line is far too classy for us American folk. But before you book the next ticket to France, maybe try mixing Paris and Amy's new perfumes together, and I bet you'll find the hot mess, tacky, privileged, yet soulful aroma is exactly how you always imagined Aguilera to smell.
Who doesn't want her husband or boyfriend to smell like Patrick Dempsey? McDreamy is launching his second fragrance, aptly named "2" …. and hey, guess what? It has a double meaning. P.Demps (not an attractive nickname, oh well) explains, "It's about the intimacy of two people and the strength you get in a relationship." So is it an androgynous fragrance? Are couples supposed to spritz it on each other? Or does the scent just make women want to be committed to their men? I guess if the man smells like Dempsey, that'll stretch out their love life for at least another week.
Who doesn't want to dress like Ciara? WHO, I ask you? Fortunately for everyone, CiCi is talking to Steve & Barry's department store to create a budget clothing line, combining her style with affordability. Aww, her very first clothing line. One minute she was posing on the red carpet with Kim Kardashian and the next she's putting her name on cheap products. Divas grow up so fast these days, don't they?
And in a double-product launch, Avril Lavigne has both a new kids' clothing line and a new fragrance launching this summer. Her clothing line is an extension of her current children's line called the Abbey Dawn, but focused on an even younger demographic. The T-shirts feature "friendly skull graphics." OMG friendly skulls are the ca-yuuutest. Her fragrance is called Black Star, and Avril pitches it as, "It's really me in a bottle." Maybe it's just me, but something about bottling celebrities' smells gives me the creeps. Sure, maybe a girl would want to look like Avril, but does anyone want to smell like her? What does she even smell like? When are these fans smelling her?
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