Stars Are Nothing Like Us!

By Melissa Hunter

THEY SHOWER WITH BABY WIPES!

Brad Pitt has a tip for all of you budding movie stars out there, who are stuck on set for 14-plus hours: "Baby wipes, man, baby wipes." He reportedly would do "a couple quick wipes under the pits" before scenes in the Quentin Tarantino film "Inglourious Basterds." Gross? Yes. Effective? Probably not. But a sex icon like Brad could have B.O., halitosis, athlete's foot, and back-ne, and it still wouldn't dissuade his throngs of fans.

THEY DEMAND $3 MILLION FOR 2 WEEKS OF WORK!

Katherine Heigl isn't one to shy away from diva-dom. She reportedly demanded $3 million for a role in an ensemble Garry Marshall film co-starring Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, and Ashton Kutcher, among others. This being a film in which actors are only filming from three to 14 days total. Producers kindly rejected her request and allegedly ousted her from the film (though Heigl's reps claim she left the project). You know times are tough when starlets can't get make their multimillion dollar quote. What's next? Paris Hilton not getting paid for party appearances?

THEY PREEMPTIVELY SHOP FOR ENGAGEMENT RINGS!

Kim Kardashian has been engagement ring shopping … you know, just for fun. While Kim and Reggie are not engaged, she wants to make sure he knows which one she wants when he pops the question. If that wouldn't scare a guy off enough, according to her sister Khloe, Kim found one she liked … for $20 million. No bigs. They'll just find other ways to cut costs. Maybe they should start time-sharing private jets.

THEY PAY HOMAGE TO FRIENDS BY NAMING BEACHES AFTER THEM!

In a touching gesture, Johnny Depp paid respects to the late Heath Ledger (his co-star in the film "Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus") by naming a patch of water Heath's Cove. Very sweet. You know what's also sweet? Having your own island where you have beaches for the naming. Yep, that's pretty flippin' sweet.

In the latest Vanity Fair, Depp talks about his island, and quotes an old saying, "Money doesn't buy you happiness. But it buys you a big enough yacht to sail right up to it." Haha, oh rich people and their quippy adages that make us cry.

THEY GET ALL-EXPENSES PAID PERMA-VACATIONS!

And on a less sober island, Amy Winehouse's record company is footing the bill for her Caribbean staycation. While she seems to be wasting away on the beaches of St. Lucia, her company is paying around $3500 each night she's there. If this is their way of allowing her time to detox, maybe they should send her somewhere where alcohol and drugs aren't, oh, I don't know, EVERYWHERE? I've heard the Amish Country Resort is excellent this time of year.

FROZEN TREATS ARE SCULPTED IN THEIR IMAGE!

A company has launched a "license to chill" ice pop in the shape of the ripped torso of Daniel Craig, inspired by the moment he comes up from the water in "Casino Royale." Surely this is all quite flattering for him, until of course, his daughter runs home from the ice cream truck and immediately requires 10 years of therapy.

THEY POSE NUDE TO SAVE KOALA BEARS!

Some people petition, others protest, but when you're a Victoria's Secret angel, it's probably best to just get naked for endangered animals. In the latest Australian Rolling Stone, Miranda Kerr strips down and gets chained to a tree to raise awareness about the environment and the endangered koala bears of Australia. However, chances are after checking out the issue, the average dude's response to their feelings on koala issues will be, "Uh, is that the name of the pretty naked lady on the cover?"

THEY GET RE-HIRED AFTER QUITTING!

With the dismal job market, if you quit a gig and want to come back, chances are your job will be filled and your boss will laugh in your face. And while we all laugh at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt behind their back (though I'd prefer it to be directly in their face), NBC agreed to allow them to come back after making such an atrocious scene on set. Disappointing move, but we'll stop complaining as soon as you get them in a vat of worms, make them eat scorpions, or whatever else the reality writers thought up in some drunken stupor one night.

THEY WALK RED CARPETS BEFORE HITTING PUBERTY!

Apparently, in Hollywood, 9 is the new 16. Miley Cyrus' 9-year-old sister, Noah, was photographed at a red-carpet event with her friend Emily dressed in teeny bathing suits, toting purses, dogs, and more makeup than RuPaul. The pair (dubbed "Noie & Em") have launched a video series as well. The photos, including one of Noah chugging Red Bull, are pretty troubling, but when your older sister is projected to be a billionaire by age 20, it's probably best to get on those sponsorship deals ASAP. But please, Noah, put on some overalls and pigtails and promote Mott's applesauce so you don't end up on "Celebrity Rehab" by your 11th birthday.

THEY GET TATTOOS TO REMIND THEMSELVES TO STAY SOBER!

Ex-"Jackass" star and "Dancing With the Stars" alum Steve-O is reportedly celebrating his sobriety with more tattoos. He was seen getting inked in West Hollywood because he passed another landmark in his sobriety. He's probably trying to balance out all the tattoos he got while he was dared to get while blackout drunk with his new stone-cold sober ones.

Related: What other stars are tatted?

THEY INSTALL STRIPPER POLES IN THEIR KITCHEN!

Oh, Kendra Wilkinson. Can you get any classier? Kendra has been showing off her stripper pole (or as she refers to it, her "sport pole") on her Web site. She has set up in her kitchen, where she presumably prepares food that people are supposed to eat. She's (predictably) launching a line of her very own stripper poles, and surely these pictures are to show all you Kendra fans out there just how it's done. But really, when you're baking that casserole, what better way to pass time than to pole dance?

Related: Kendra's poles and other A-list products in our celebrity shopping guide