Retna Digital 1 / 5

By Melissa Hunter

Oh, Anderson Cooper. You just get me. On "360°" this week, Cooper took his weekly "Shot" on none other than Heidi Montag (who changed her name back from Pratt to Montag according to a Life & Style exclusive. Way to break the news there, L & S). I got nervous for a minute when I saw this story, as I was concerned he would waste his precious intellect on Heidi, but it only took 90 seconds of Cooper's flippant insults to deem her completely talentless and irrelevant. *Sigh* How does he do it?

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He comments on her performance at the Miss Universe Pageant (and manages to sum up her entire existence) saying, "I don't really know who this person is, nor why she's pretending to be a singer, nor why anyone should actually listen to her, but apparently she's famous."

Apparently. Famous she is. Talented and exceptional, she is not. Well, I take that back, she does possess the single most exceptional quality to construct fame when one lacks talent: complete and utter shamelessness. That's pretty tough; I could never be so unabashedly talentless.

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But I digress. Let's get back to Andy.

He continues, "Heidi Montag is so famous that she actually Twitters. And she Twittered to congratulate herself ... she also thanked God. I don't think God had anything to do with this production ... if God has the time to work on this production and that's the best God can do, we're all in trouble."

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Amen. The way Heidi feigns piousness and having God on her side is an insult to religious, agnostic, and atheist people alike. How she manages to offend all creeds is beyond me.

Cooper caps off the segment fittingly when he asks his correspondent, "Who is she? Where is she from?" He successfully tore Heidi apart without even knowing who she was. And without breaking a sweat. Anderson, please come blog for us. We'll pay you a thousand kisses per word.