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By Melissa Hunter

The jury is still out on whether Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are actually a couple. Understandable that nothing has been made concrete, since a confirmation or denial surely would cause tween rioting like the world has never seen.

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But one thing we know for sure is that the two have one thing in common: They're PRISONERS OF FAME. In a recent interview with, um, Interview magazine, Kristen goes on the stale fame-is-ruining-my-life rant, saying, "There's nothing you can do about it, to be honest. I don't leave my hotel room—literally, I don't ... the only way for me not to have somebody know where I went the night before is if I didn't go out at all. So that's what I'm trading."

She's trading her FREEDOM. She's forced into being a hermit and it's all our fault. I'm not going to go into this interview more, because you've heard it before. Here's the rundown: It's hard being famous. Playing Bella is annoying. People think she's a bitch, therefore she becomes a bitch.

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Now a similar report is saying that Robert has barely left HIS hotel room either, to avoid swarms of paparazzi, ecstatic fans, and being generally pushed into taxis. "New Moon" co-star Jack Huston says, "I don't think he gets to hang out with many people because he's sort of jailed to his room. He can't leave without being followed by a hundred people. There's a price to fame. But hopefully he's handling it okay."

He's JAILED. Shackled to his fame and fortune. I bet he can't even order a hamburger to his hotel room without some bellhop freaking out and putting some of R.Pattz's ketchup on his neck before delivering (creepier things have happened). You know you've hit rock bottom when you can't even order room service.

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All right, so by default, Kristen and Robert have to be hooking up. I've seen "Oz," I know what happens behind prison walls. And if your cell happens to be a suite in the Four Seasons equipped with a jacuzzi tub and a king-size Temperpedic bed, then what else would one do to pass the time?