Celebrity magazines have been dragging out the so-called feud between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie going on four years now. Whether there's actually still any ill-will between these women, the "Poor Jen vs. Evil Angelina" narrative remains the tabloids' go-to cover story when nothing else particularly notable is happening.
So now that John Mayer has announced his plans to be Jennifer Aniston's "Oscars boyfriend" on Sunday night, we must all now consider the terrible possibilities of what might happen in the event that Jen and John confront their tabloid arch nemeses, Brangelina, face-to-face on the red carpet. Should the Ryan Seacrest-led arrivals bantering somehow lead to an awkward crossing of these golden couples' paths, here are a few potential outcomes we foresee taking place:
1. Both couples will exchange a few forced-but-polite pleasantries, pretend like the whole thing is really no big deal, and go their separate ways.
2. Jen will be overly nice and smiley, John will try to crack a few jokes about the big gossipy elephant in the room (or on the carpet, as it were), Angelina will offer a thin, stony-faced smirk and Brad will just stand there looking cool and above-it-all.
3. The entire celebrity-industrial media complex will spontaneously combust into a hot-pink and sparkly inferno, leaving only scorched red carpet and disregarded headlines about less important famous people in its path.
You'll have to tune in on Sunday to see what happens, but we're keeping our fingers crossed for the third scenario.