Kaitlyn Bristowe's life hasn't been an easy ride.
On Wednesday, the former "Bachelorette" star spoke about her past battles with addiction, depression and suicidal thoughts.
In a revealing YouTube video titled "My Life Story," Kaitlyn, 34, said her life took a turn about 7 years ago after breaking up with an ex, a hockey player, whom she became emotionally reliant on.
"I lost myself," she said, describing it as "heavy, dark times."
After the split, she sought help from a doctor.
"I'll never forget filling out paperwork on how depressed I was," she said. "I remember on a scale of 1 to 10 being suicidal. I remember … just feeling like I had nothing, and that life was over for me, that I had given up all my hopes and dreams, and that the love of my life was now gone."
The doctor put Kaitlyn on an anti-depressant and Valium, an anti-anxiety drug.
The Valium, she said, made her "numb."
"I didn't feel anything. I got to sleep, I got to not 'feel my feelings,' and that felt great to me," she said. "I had become addicted to Valium, and I was about 93 pounds, and that is when somebody had to shake me and said, 'You can't live like this. This is not you.'"
The former reality TV star's mother even played motivational videos for her.
"I just knew I couldn't live like that anymore," she said of her decision to kick the Valium addiction. "I was sick of feeling numb. I wanted to feel feelings again."
With a clear head, she moved to Vancouver and eventually auditioned for "The Bachelor." After finishing third on Chris Soules' season in early 2015, Kaitlyn was cast as the 11th lead of "The Bachelorette."
There, she found love with Shawn Booth, and the couple got engaged. After three years together, the duo broke up. In January 2019, she confirmed she's now dating "Bachelorette" alum Jason Tartick.
"You can't let anyone be responsible for your own happiness," Kaitlyn said. "That is up to you."