Jennette McCurdy has been candid about the happiness she felt when her "abusive" mother passed away, but she admits that she actually used to defend her mom in therapy sessions.
The "iCarly" alum told Drew Barrymore she often made excuses for how her mom, Debra McCurdy, was treating her.
"Initially when I went to therapy, I did have my mom still on the pedestal and every time, I felt defensive immediately," she said. "Immediately I went into, 'well she did this, but it's because she's such a good mom, it's because she wanted me to be successful, it's because she wanted me to have a better [life]."
At the time, the former actress didn't realize what she was doing.
"I was so defensive, I didn't realize that I was at the time, but in retrospect, I see I was disclaiming every single thing that my mom did instead of just stating the reality or how I felt about it," she continued. "I was more concerned with how to keep my mom looking good than I was with expressing my true emotional reality."
Eventually, she figured out that Debra was "not perfect let alone abusive."
Last August, while promoting her book, "I'm Glad My Mom is Dead," the "Sam & Cat" star told "Good Morning America," "My mom emotionally, mentally, and physically abused me in ways that will forever impact me. She gave me breast and vaginal exams until 17 was years old… When I was 6 years old, she pushed me into a career I didn't want… She taught me an eating disorder when I was 11 years old — an eating disorder that robbed me of my joy and any amount of free-spiritedness that I had. She never told me my father was not my father."
A month later, she went into more detail on "Red Table Talk," reading a cruel letter that her late mom sent her.
"'I am so disappointed in you,'" Debra, who passed away in 2013, began the email, which was also included in the book. "'You used to be my perfect little angel, but now you are nothing more than a little … s***, a floozy, all used up…"
In the letter, Debra called Jennette a "liar, conniving, evil" and an "ugly monster." She added, "You look pudgier too. It's clear you're eating your guilt.'"
"I told your brothers about you and they all said they disown you just like I do," she continued. "We want nothing to do with you. Love, Mom — or should I say Deb since I am no longer your mother?"
The letter ends, "P.S. Send money for a new fridge; ours broke.'"