Jana Kramer has "felt like a zombie" as the demise of her marriage plays out in the media.
On May 3, the "One Tree Hill" alum released the first episode of her "Whine Down" podcast since filing for divorce from Mike Caussin after he allegedly cheated on her again. Now that the reality of her situation has set in, Jana is "embarrassed."
"I don't even know if I want to do the show anymore. I'm being completely honest," she said. "You know, I started this show by myself … and once Mike came on as a guest and we talked about our stuff, he said that he loved sharing. … And then it just felt like ours, so now it feels weird not having him on here."
On April 21, the country singer announced that she and Mike had split after six years of marriage. In her divorce paperwork, she said that infidelity was to blame. Sources later confirmed this with multiple media outlets.
"I was a zombie, that was for two weeks. Now I go in and out of crying," she said on the podcast. "I didn't want this, at the end of the day. I think where I'm at is, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that this is how it ended, and then I also feel like I let people down. We've come on here, and we've fought, and we fought for it. But, really, the words that were spoken … they were honest from me, is what I'll say."
Jana acknowledged on Monday that she stayed with Mike for the sake of their two children: daughter Jolie, 5, and son Jace, 2.
"I'm the weakest I've ever been. Maybe in the future, I'll feel that strength, but I went to my therapist a few weeks ago, like, 'Fine I'll live this life. I don't want to break up my family.' My whole thing is like, I didn't want this for the kids. I've stayed for my kids, even when other things happened," she said. "My therapist was like, 'You don't want to live that life … it's taking your life away.' I'm like, 'Yeah, but my kids. We'll be together.'"
In the emotional podcast, Jana also teared up while speaking about having to co-parent with Mike. While already thinking about the children's first overnight visit with their dad, Jana said, "I'm going to be destroyed. It's not what I wanted, it's not what I worked for and it's not [expletive] fair. That makes me so angry. I worked too damn hard for it to end this way."
Jana and Mike didn't exactly have a fairytale marriage, as he was involved in a cheating scandals and in multiple sexting scandals. There were accusations last fall that he was cheating again. Jana now feels "weak" for staying with him throughout all his indiscretions.
Additionally, she had "friends basically tell me they would lose respect for me" if she stayed with Mike. "And those were the friends that were like, 'We love you and support you no matter what.'"
The marriage, she said, was akin to a drug.
"I feel like now I'm the addict," she said on Monday. "I've never touched a drug before but that's what it feels like, where I'm just like, 'I need it.' … I don't even know what the healthy version [of a relationship] looks like anymore."