By Melissa Hunter
THEY TREAT STAFF TO $1M VACAYS! Of course when Oprah splurges, she does so in a way that is totally likable and generous. The mega-mogul treated her 100-person staff to a Mediterranean cruise, which added up to around $1 million. In case you're reading this Ms. Winfrey, I'd like to apply for an internship, and my Labor Day weekend is wide open.
THEIR HOTEL DAMAGES ADD UP TO $40,000! Amy Winehouse knows how to staycation. While the once-singer, now-tabloid fodder has moved back to London, she has left quite a legacy in St. Lucia. And maids are working around the clock to clean up said legacy. Her damages, amounting to $40K, include cigarette burns, smashed chandeliers, and clogged plumbing. You can just add that to her enabler's, er, record company's tab.
THEY SPEND $36,000 ON THEIR NAILS! What, and you don't? A manicurist (or enamel virtuoso, in this case) told Life & Style that she was commissioned to make a set of nail rings encrusted with diamonds shaped like snakes. I mean, really, diamond cobra nail rings are so fashionable AND practical, they really just pay for themselves.
THEY VOLUNTEER BY STARRING IN MOVIES! While in the earthquake-stricken Abruzzo region of his second home in Italy, George Clooney vowed, "We'll shoot a film here … in which I will act." What a noble gesture. No, really. That was a snarkless statement. He is doing so to raise awareness of the devastation caused by the earthquake. But why not volunteer like a normal person? He says, "I'm not very good with stoneware." Me neither. Can I be in your movie?
THEY FLOOD FLOORS OF HOTELS! Wow, it's like vintage Courtney. In yet another celeb hotel-trashing anecdote, Courtney Love caused $5k in damages to a New York hotel. In eight hours. This might be a personal record for her, guys!! Aside from flooding the entire floor, she forgot some, um, feminine hygiene products and injection devices. How's that for euphemisms?
THEIR PRESENCE CAUSES RIOTS AT NIGHTCLUBS! Step aside, R.Pat, Leo's back on the market, and you better believe he's a seasoned vet in making women cray-cray. Girls were apparently hysterical when he showed up at a nightclub, and were falling over each other to get to him. And since he tends to stick to the supermodel variety of female, that's a pretty far trip to the floor. Be careful out there, Amazon ladies.
THEY LOSE 20 POUNDS IN 4 WEEKS! When you have two teeny tiny sisters — one of whom happens to be a sex symbol — you're bound to be called the "fat, funny one." So it was only natural that Khloe Kardashian wanted to drop a few pounds. And drop a few pounds she did. Twenty of them. In four weeks. All it took was some good old diet, exercise, troops of trainers, personal chefs, nutritionists, and diet pills. And then came the inevitable Life & Style swimsuit cover. Now all we need is a patented Khloe Kalorie Kutter diet shake and we've got ourselves the complete Hollywood weight-loss fairy tale.
THEY GET $45 MILLION CONTRACTS! Ryan Seacrest's salary got a little salary bump with his new three-year contract with "American Idol": from $5 million to $15 million, making him the highest paid person in the field of vacuous banter and blinding white teeth. However that's just pennies compared to the 100 million dollar man Simon Cowell. In other news, Paula Abdul cries herself to sleep.
THEY MOVE WHEN THEY GET RIDICULED! Being the girlfriend of the biggest hot mess in Hollywood comes with a lot of scrutiny. Mostly this manifests by way of a sleazy tabloid, trashy talk show, or um, totally awesome celeb Web site. But when it comes straight up to your home, that's a different story. Sam Ronson tweeted that a tour guide was trashing her to the tourists via loudspeaker on a bus outside her home. Jeez, celebrity DJs have feelings too, you know. She then said she plans to move to London because of it. Good call, Sam. There's, like, no tabloid industry there we hear.
THEY SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO CHANGE LIGHTBULBS! David Spade reportedly paid $555 to have someone change 10 lightbulbs in his house. *Sigh* The jokes just write themselves sometimes, don't they? So of course there's Joke #1: How many dollars does it take to change a lazy actor's light bulbs? $555! Zing! And Joke #2: He's so short, he'd pay anything to reach those darned lightbulbs. Nailed it! Finally Joke #3: David Spade. The guy's just a joke, really.
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