Bethenny Frankel is typically an open book about her life, but kept the details of a recent miscarriage to herself -- until now.
The 41-year-old found out she was expecting her second child with husband Jason Hoppy, but received sad news shortly into her pregnancy.
"Because my first pregnancy had been complicated, and because I was over 40, the doctor told me that I was "high risk" and needed to take it easy. So I took it so easy. I had to," she explains in Glamour magazine's July issue, on newsstands today. "I was still bleeding, and I was nauseated and uncomfortable—'way worse than last time,' I said to Jason. I felt seven months pregnant even though I was six weeks along. And because we hadn’t planned this, I felt unprepared, like we had so much to do to get ready for this baby. Still, I was excited, if cautiously so, with the words high risk ringing in my ears."
Unfortunately, Frankel suffered a miscarriage. Her doctor told her, " 'You're 41. You had bleeding. There's nothing you could have done.' And I hadn't done anything," she says. "Since I'd found out, I'd been lying down for an hour or two every day and lettings others take up the slack. But I blamed myself—of course I did."
And 10 days later, the Bravo star got a call from her doctor revealing she would have had a baby girl. "He told me that the tests came back as 'female fetus, normal.' He was reading off a chart, reassuring me that there wasn't some chromosomal abnormality. But all I heard was 'female,' and I fell to pieces."
The Bravo star and new host of her own talk show is already the proud mother of daughter Bryn, 2, with her husband. "I was picturing Bryn with a little sister," she recalls. "Two little girls in rain boots."
"Afterward, I went through a range of emotions. There was something so sad about it—that there had been a life there, and then suddenly it was not there," Frankel explains. "There was also, I have to admit, a bit of relief that I wouldn't be starting my new TV job seven months pregnant. And then there was immense guilt at the relief."
As for whether or not she'll try to have a second child again, Frankel says it's not really up to her to decide.
"I'm healthy and could try again. But I don't want to be a 'trying' person. If it's meant to be, it will happen."
This article originally appeared on Usmagazine.com: Bethenny Frankel Opens Up About Recent Miscarriage: "I Blamed Myself"