Nikki Nelson / WENN 1 / 8
Nikki Nelson / WENN 1 / 8

Lousy job market got you down? What if we told you there was a position available that offers glitz, glam and globe-trotting? Sounds interesting, right? There's only a teensy-weensy catch or two: The hours apparently would make a sweatshop look like Club Med, and your boss is rumored to be more high-maintenance than a vintage Italian sports car.

In this week's highly dubious tabloid story we really, really hope is true, Life & Style claims that Jennifer Lopez is searching for a new assistant, one who has the patience of Job, the personality of Mary Poppins and the social life of a mold spore.

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"The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things," a snitch tells the mag. "You'll be expected to travel at a moment's notice and must know how to adjust in each city."

The job supposedly requires Mrs. Marc Anthony's minion to be on the clock six days a week for "at least" 12 hours a day, with days off sometimes few and far between.

"You'll be on call 24-7, and you've got to be organized and always on point," explains the source. "You can't have a personal life -- no baggage, significant others or pets allowed."

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In addition to the assistant's regular duties, he or she might also be expected to whip up meals, check for poopy pants on twins Max and Emme, and sense when Jennifer's stomach is feeling empty.

"You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away," continues the insider. "You have to know when J.Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, you're just expected to have food waiting."

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So, what are the perks? According to L&S, potentially "glamorous moments" for "qualified candidates" might include getting Lopez gussied up for the red carpet and photo shoots (this sounds like the kind of fun Cinderella had helping her stepsisters get ready for the ball, but moving on ...).

Still interested? Then you should know that ostensible job allegedly pays between $55,000 to $65,000, which we really, really hope is per month, not per year.

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