By Melissa Hunter
Please enjoy Wonderwall's exclusive recipes for enjoying your favorite stars, straight up or on the rocks.
The Foxtail: In a blender, pour the undying love for Brian Austin Green over the crushed dreams of every man in America. Add in tattoo ink, pink lingerie, and a shredded birth certificate (or anything that identifies your real age). Pour into a skinny, but paradoxically curvy glass. Garnish with as many half-naked magazine covers as you can find. Drink seven of them, dance on the bar, then demand to be taken seriously.
Sutherland Slammer: In an unbreakable stein, combine a decade's worth of action-TV adrenaline with a fifth of bourbon. Mix with multiple comebacks. Pound back five of these at a black tie dinner (in real time). Once on the sixth, add the blood and tears of a couture designer. Drink with reckless abandon. Be sure to serve on a cocktail napkin where you can jot down notes for your upcoming hearing statements.
Sarah Jessica Stinger: In a cocktail shaker, combine two parts of the color pink, one part water from the fountain of youth (if out of stock, Botox does the trick), and three parts of any perfume or beauty product that you sponsor. Shake well and add in a couple shots of vodka to celebrate your expectant twin girls (only for expectant, but not pregnant moms). Pour into a size 6 Manolo Blahnik stiletto. Drink with your girlfriends while divulging your sexual escapades.
The Jonas B-52: Three parts Bop cover photos. Two parts of Disney executive drool. One part unicorns and rainbows. Shake well with teenage starlet lust and tween fan mania. Pour into three glasses that you must never, EVER separate. Drink while wearing 3D glasses for full effect.
WARNING: You will be carded when ordering as no one over 21 is allowed to consume this beverage. No self-respecting 21-year-old, at least.
Carey Cougar Deluxe: Combine equal parts glitter and diamonds with four ounces of the most expensive champagne you can find. Stir in a generous amount of cradle robbing and some trite new singles to somehow maintain the bafflingly relevant fizz. Pour into a champagne flute that's too small for all of its contents. Sell for a million bucks.
Prejean Jungle Juice: Mix three ounces of moral superiority with ten ounces of hairspray and Vaseline. Add the angry sweat from Shanna Moakler with the lusting sweat of Donald Trump to taste. Serve in a silicone glass, sponsored by the state of California. Serve with right-wing advocacy spokeswoman deals, and photograph the drink inappropriately. Drink quickly, as its appeal will vanish in about 15 minutes. WARNING: May induce voluntarily vomiting.
Timberquila Sunrise: Combine three shots of Timberlake-brand tequila (coming soon) with four shots of career reinventions. Shake the shame of boy band singles with the triumph of "SNL" self-parodies. Combine with a hot actress girlfriend for street cred and some hipster glasses for nerd cred. Garnish with meticulously groomed beard-trimmings.
The Kanyekazi: Combine a couple cans of your very own energy drink line with four ounces fresh style and one ounce wacky model girlfriend. Mix with hatred of Twitter, fans, press, and anything that would otherwise help your career. ADD IN A DEEP LOVE FOR CAPITAL LETTERS. Stir ingredients together while announcing beliefs of your perfection, genius, and general godlikeness.
The Holmes Collins: In a carefully contained glass, combine one part Gucci, two parts L. Ron Hubbard, and three parts regret. Gently mix together the tears of years lost. Add in a splash of poor career choices. Pour over the frozen ability to think for oneself. Drink as many as you can so you can't get pregnant again, while watching Season One of "Dawson's Creek" for the hundredth time.
The Lily Drop: Mix whatever you have left over in your flask with a half-empty beer. Blend in a generous amount of bling, off-color comments, and Katy Perry wrath. Pour into a Chanel shot glass. Ash your cigarette into the glass to taste. Drink a few until you have such an adorable British accent that no one can really hate on you that much.