By Melissa Hunter
According to Us Weekly, Spencer Pratt has released a rap single under his rapper name, "The Great White." Oh, there's so much we could say already, but I'll save our jokes 'til later. Must ... pace ... self.
He tells Us, "First I took over TV, the tabloids, and the Internet. Now I'm going after the airwaves." Pretty terrifying, but we're just thankful he still can't get a movie deal (yet). Pratt somehow found the time to record his magnum rap opus while filming a new TV show with his reality-bride Heidi Montag (who goes by the pop moniker Silicone Hammerhead), called "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!"
Ryan Seacrest generously released a sampling of Spencer's new song this morning on his radio show. In case you haven't had your daily dose of vomit in the back of your mouth, you can listen to it here. Otherwise, we've selected a few key lyrics, and broken down the many layered metaphors for you:
Baby, I get paid, I don't volunteer
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here
First of all, nicely done with putting the title of your show in the song. Surely this is a less-than-subtle plea to make it the theme song. Second, Spencer, haven't you read the 'Acting Like a Celebrity Guide for Dummies'? Rule #7 clearly states that when you volunteer for something, you're at least supposed to pretend to like it.
I've been on TV, I'm on the Internet,
I've been around the world, but still I'm not finished yet
You know who else is on TV and the Internet? Those pervs from "To Catch a Predator." I'm just sayin'.
First Tweet of the day, I put my swag on...Car with the new tags on
Spencer is so cutting edge and modern that he references Twitter in his rap song. In fact, it looks like he may have just amalgamated several of his inane Tweets, put them to a beat, and passed them off as rap lyrics.
America hates me 'cause the media loves me
As a card-carrying member of "the media", I'm pretty sure that I'm with America on this one, Spence.
Call me Senator Pratt, I'm only Twittin' the facts
Twittin' the facts like, "FAME is a DRUG and I am HOOKED! I NEED FAME REHAB! lol." And no, I won't call you Senator Pratt. But I'll happily call you Great White from now on. Royal D-Bag works, too.
Hear me in the club, this is ringtone rap ... I'm in the iPhones, taking over Blackberries
Ringtone rap. Like elevator music, but less inspired. And if you get anywhere near my iPhone, I will cut you.
Music is my world, television is my life ... I'm in the limelight and I love it like my wife.
The song is so bafflingly obnoxious and asinine that I can't help but wonder whether Spencer Pratt is in on the joke. Is he just a walking parody of himself? It sounds more like an SNL rap song a la "I'm on a Boat" than anything legitimate.
But then again I'm the one writing a story about him, so maybe the joke's on me.