By Saryn Chorney
Being a single "nobody" is tough, but being a single celebrity is arguably much worse. When you get dumped, the whole world knows via Us Weekly, and you can't just post your profile on eHarmony. (Well, not really.) That's why we're here to help. This week's star-studded crew includes Jessica Simpson, Kim Cattrall, Renee Zellweger and more. Let's find 'em a date, people.
ONCE A NEWLYWED, ALWAYS A DADDY'S GIRL, 29, sks new public affair or possible re-hash of old public affair: Mayer? Lachey? Bueller? Likes: Fitting into my Daisy Dukes, chowing down on buffalo wings-of-the-sea (REAL GIRLS EAT MEAT), cheap accessories & hair extensions, playing dress up with Ken Paves. Dislikes: The nickname "Yoko Romo," high-waisted jeans paired with double leopard print belts (big fat whoops!), and the name Bronx Mowgli — Shhh! Don't tell Ashlee. I'm just a girl from Texas, gimme a break y'all.
ALL-AMERICAN COWBOY/GO-TO STARLET BOYFRIEND, 29, sks nothing serious for a while with next hot, preferably blond & country-singing gal. Must enjoy football, esp. on TV — no hard feelings if uninvited to game (sore subject). Likes: Some meat on them bones, drinkin' with my boys, wishin' I was a golf champ and — wait for it — touchdowns! Dislikes meddling dads, birthdays, Tony Roma's restaurant and that time I hurt my dang pinky finger and couldn't play for three games. I'm a free agent again, ladies, woohoo!
I'M A SAMANTHA, 52, sks skilled youngin' who resembles "Smith Jerrod" and Gilles Marini (best of both worlds) for mutual grooming and "life imitating art vs. art imitating life" pillow talk. Must have fantasized about me from Porky's, Police Academy, Mannequin and/or Star Trek VI as an adolescent boy. Likes: sex scenes, sex advice, "Sex and the City," sexy meals, and all things sexual. Dislikes: Typecasting. Don't call me a cougar — or a Carrie!
OSCAR WINNING BOOTY CALLER, 41, sks lifelong collaborator and future baby stepmama; no gold diggers or stalkers need apply. Enjoys Academy Awards-baiting performances, insulting Miley Cyrus, channeling Michael Jackson, being "Unpredictable" and using my "Intuition." Likes: Ray and Ugly Wanda impersonations. Dislikes: Talking about Tom Cruise and other pesky rumors. Follow me down The Foxxhole — I'm so Sirius, man!
HARRY'S ANGEL, 19, sks non-Potter obsessed, Ivy League heartthrob for good ol' fashioned American liberal arts education. Likes: comparisons to Natalie Portman, straight-A's, upping my fashion game, fly fishing, taking the p— out of Letterman. Dislikes: rumors about Radcliffe & Grint (this isn't "Twilight," blokes), wardrobe malfunctions, Hogwarts uniforms, Pansy Parkinson. If you prefer an elegant young know-it-all with a lofty accent, I'm your nerdy-hot ingenue.
SORRY MIZZ JACKSON, 50, sks lifestyle of the rich & infamous with animal-loving pop icon. Enjoys long walks through pastures, whinnying along to "Billie Jean," surrogate mothering, the tale of Rumpelstiltskin, easy money. Dislikes court visits, crazy in-laws, my former dermatologist and his bright ideas. You wanna be starting somethin'? Talk to my lawyer.
2 FAT 2 FISH, 41, sks extremely tolerant Penthouse Pet or similar tanning salon type for bail money and more. Likes: New Jersey, narcotics, George Carlin, MADtv, McDonald's, Stern, defecation and pig jokes. Dislikes: DUIs, arrests, self-control, diabetes, rehab, having my very own death watch Web site. To paraphrase Bon Jovi: Do you want me dead or alive?