Stars are Nothing Like Us!

THEY BUY $40 MILLION TOWNHOUSES!

After the Malawi mess, Madonna took solace in some retail therapy (which is celebri-speak for real estate therapy). She is reportedly purchasing a $40 mil double-wide townhouse on the Upper East Side. The asking price was $45 million, but she bargained her way down to $40 since she heard there's some sort of pesky recession going on.

THEY HAVE ROOMS DEDICATED TO THEIR WIGS!

Jennifer Lopez reportedly has a room in her home dedicated to her collection of wigs. The room has plastic heads that fashion her wigs, which are worth thousands of dollars. But don't worry, she's still Jenny from the block. Just, you know, on a well-secured block of really, really stupidly wealthy people.

THEY SELL OFF ONE OF THEIR CASTLES!

Due to the grim economic state, Nicolas Cage made a serious cutback: he sold his Bavarian castle. But before you start sending Cage condolence letters or whatever change you can spare, you can rest assured knowing that he still can stay in his British castle. Remember kids: Always keep a spare castle.

THEY PAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR DEAD BIRDS!

Courtney Love threw a tantrum when a trashman threw away an embryonic chicken that was in a matchbox. How DARE he?! Turns out, this was a "work of art" for which Love paid $16,000. And here we thought living $10k puppies were excessive.

NASA NAMES TREADMILLS AFTER THEM!

Stephen Colbert won a NASA contest to get a satellite named after him. NASA reneged on the offer, but gave him a consolation prize: NASA's treadmill. It will be named COLBERT, standing for Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. After all these years, he finally gets the recognition he deserves as a great American athlete.

THEY OWN 500 PAIRS OF SHOES!

Fergie told Life & Style that she owns 500 pairs of shoes. She explains, "I'm a girl, and I love accessories." Makes sense; she's just a simple girl with simple needs, you know? Now she has to figure out storage. She should probably consult with Unnecessary Room Expert Jennifer Lopez.

THEIR DIVORCES COST $500 MILLION!

Pre-nup-less Mel Gibson may have to shell out half of his $1 billion fortune to his soon-to-be ex-wife, Robyn, which would make it the most expensive divorce in Hollywood history. But supposedly the divorce will be efficient, which makes sense since he probably started on the paperwork last year after that whole "Sugart*ts" incident.

THEY DEMAND MEALS FOR FREE!

Maybe we all try to get a free ride here and there, but when you're a multi-millionaire, you'd expect not to squabble over a bill. Not swag-loving Paris Hilton, who reportedly threw a fit after discovering she wasn't getting comped at Ecco Ultra Lounge. Her argument? "What the f–k, I'm Paris Hilton!" See, that line works like a charm for us … they just think you're crazy and get you out as fast as possible.

THEY CRY ZOMBIE!

Leave it to Woody Harrelson to get out of assault charges by claiming the Zombie Defense. After filming his upcoming movie "Zombieland," he hit a paparazzo, but explained that he thought he was a zombie. Police are reportedly "looking into this allegation" to see if it's warranted. To see if it's warranted? Does this mean zombies are real!? Jeez, we need to go pick up some hatchets and get to work on our safe house.

FASHION DESIGNERS WRITE THEM PRISON LETTERS!

Fashion designer Marc Jacobs reportedly wrote Lil' Kim weekly letters while she was serving time in jail. She also picked up a Bratz coloring book and sent him her finished work, which he later blew up and framed. Coloring books, fashion designer pen pals, and prison? Sounds like the makings of a hip-hop musical remake of "The Shawshank Redemption."