By Drew Mackie
Imagine a show on which brides-to-be compete tooth and nail to score cosmetic surgery operations in preparation for their big day. For every episode she wins, a contestant undergoes one surgery from her wish list that day. Thus, as each challenge unfolds, the "victorious" women will literally be sporting battle scars, looking ever more like Brides of Frankenstein as an in-house surgeon congratu-mutilates them. Freaky, horrible, morally base and indicative of everything that's wrong with, well, everything, right? And yes, it's happening. The commercials are already announcing the Nov. 28 premiere on E!
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But can we blame the show's blushing, bruised brides more than we can their Hollywood counterparts? Consider the strange case of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's third wedding ceremony, which purportedly followed the couple's reunion after an almost-divorce. Could Montag's wedding fever have anything to do with a desire to repopulate her house with wedding photos showing off her new, "perfect" custom-crafted face and body? Seriously, would you put it past a woman who willingly saddled herself with G-cup breast implants? This throws an insightfully creepy spin on her remarks to "Entertainment Tonight" about the recent ceremony feeling "like our first real marriage."
OK, maybe it's not fair to lead with Heidi Montag, grand marshal of the numbskull parade, but rumors of pre-wedding cos-medic touch-ups have buzzed around other recent celeb brides. Take 24-year-old Megan Fox, undisputed knockout and A-list star, who married longtime boyfriend Brian Austin Green last June. She's noted here for "look[ing] stunning except for her oddly smooth, puffy face and overblown fish lips." Call it jealous sniping perhaps, but we must admit it's hard to dismiss the allegations that her mask-like face was created in a surgery clinic somewhere. Gossipers have conjectured how much a nose job or chin augmentation might have furthered Chelsea Clinton's transformation from a Plain Jane to a bombshell bride this past July. Even the 22-year-old Hilary Duff was accused of using cosmetic science to make her big day a bit bigger, at least in one area.
In an interview with E! Online, "Bridalplasty" host Shanna Moakler -- the former Miss USA, former Mrs. Travis Barker and now a reality show regular -- admitted that she, too, would likely go under the knife one day. "I've had three kids, all by C-section … I would like to have a fourth baby. But after that fourth baby, sign me up," said Moakler. Apparently the potential for cosmetic improvement is irresistible even for someone with multiple beauty queen titles.
It's a grim state that women get bombarded from all angles, and that plastic surgery is the only way to go for the famous and nonfamous, for the plain and the already beautiful. Maybe everyone -- celebrities and regular citizens alike -- should step away from the knife and think for a moment about what a wedding is really supposed to be about: selfless, unconditional love, not vanity and self-obsession.