Dear Mariah Carey,
Well hello there! You probably don't know me, but I'm Alex Blagg, the editor of Wonderwall. I'm writing today to express my deep heartfelt gratitude for your recent courageous decision to finally allow us to see the left side of your face.
For years, as you only let photographers capture the beauty and allure of the right-hand portion of your visage, I have felt within myself a profound and agonizing regret that I would never be able to peek into the mystery and wonder hidden on the other side of that flawless nose of yours.
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I count myself among the many frustrated moviegoers who felt that "Glitter" could have been the defining film of an entire generation if only the cinematography had been composed in a way that featured less attempts at a coherent plot and more of just your face. The steady decline in your album sales? Well if you ask me, it's because MTV started broadcasting high-rated reality shows instead of sparkly music videos that repetitively celebrate the glory of Mariah Carey's face. Anyway, I think you see where I'm going with this. We're living in a world that's been lacking for access to your facial features by half.
But now, thanks to your sudden generosity of self, the entire world will be treated to visions of something we never thought possible! This must be what it felt like when mankind first ventured into outer space for a glimpse into the elegant and awe-inspiring majesty of the cosmos. All those years of magazine covers, music videos, movie and TV appearances and billboards, and we never even knew what dreams lay beyond our small human imagination of how the rest of your face might look!
It is my sincere promise that we will treat this gift you have given us with great caution and care. As much as we would like to, we can't overindulge in our worship of both sides of your face. We must pace ourselves, and it is my promise, Mariah, that we here at Wonderwall will do just that.
In the midst of a global recession, with everyone looking for ways to conserve what they have, or to take more from their fellows, you decided to give twice as much as you'd already been giving. And for that (and for your face), we salute you.
PS: It's no wonder they gave you that movie role over Oscar winner Helen Mirren. Your face could act circles around her.