By Saryn Chorney
Single celebs have it rough. Famous folks can't just put a blind ad on Craigslist like the rest of us, you know. That's why Wonderwall is here to help. Let's take a look at this week's swingin' solo stars.
More Than a Ninja Turtle, Less Than Da Vinci, 34, seeks the planet's next top swimwear supermodel for bragging rights, eco-tourism and more. Should like baby faces on grown men, mirrored ceilings and the occasional Celine Dion ballad. Must not be jealous of my relationship with Kate Winslet, c'mon honey, that's just silly. Lakers fans with foreign accents preferred. Catch me if you can!
Reigning "Next" Top Swimwear Supermodel, 24, sks next mega-famous Hollywood (or sports) heartthrob for career-sustainment purposes and much more. Likes: lounging around half-naked, posing for lad mags half-naked, writing haikus in Hebrew (bet Gisele can't do that!) half-naked and gracing the side of a Boeing 737 jet with my "artistic" half-naked image. Dislikes: comparisons to Gisele, the Israeli army draft, and "bros night out." Nice Jewish boys preferred, but not mandatory — if you'll convert.
Split Personality Sweetcheeks, 16, sks not-a-boy-not-yet-a-man-toy for holding hands, riding bikes and giggling at the paparazzi (and Selena Gomez, but only because I love her so much). Must enjoy stage parents, racial/ethnic humor, lotsa money, bikini beach cruising after church on Sundays, achy breaky hearts and jiggly thighs, as well as the fine photography of Annie Leibovitz. Male models and members of singing brother trios preferred, but not mandatory. Hands off my little sister, perv!
You Know My Name, 36, sks just one gal I don't want to defame or murder in this world, is that too much to ask? Enjoys rhyming, blue-eyed rap, hating on tabloid types, sleeping for days on end and fantasizing about scaring the s*** out of my daughter's future suitors. Dislikes too many people, places and things to mention here, but dog puppets, a man's a$$ in my face and my b**** ex-wife top the list. Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry.
Almost Taradise, 33, sks all-American talk show host type, foreign athlete and/or schlocky horror film director for fourth chance at a third impression. Does that make sense? Whatever. Must love apple pie, getting wild on … paid nightclub appearances, hard livin', sculpted bodies and nip slips. D'oh! Dislikes include shady plastic surgeons, Paris Hilton, long-term memory, and 12-step programs. I want to be the Bunny to your Big Lebowski!
Dim Dreamboat, 30, sks next Hollywood "It Girl" — age/race/reputation unimportant. Models and singers OK. Enjoys squinting, faux brooding, vegetarian cuisine, winters in Minnesota (call me crazy!), and perfecting my rugged yet emotive puppy dog look in the mirror. Dislikes gastrointestinal issues ('nuff said), Ryan Reynolds, comedic roles, and that bored look in a girl's eye the morning after. Let's spend 40 days and 40 nights together, NSA!
Brit Minx, 27, sks married or otherwise taken Hollywood panty hound for stolen kisses on set, romps on yachts, and compromising "caught on camera" moments. Enjoys middling career boosted by tabloid coverage, being selfish, cribbing Kate Moss' boho chic fashion sense and general bouts of naughtiness. Dislikes wives, kids, nannies, Pittsburgh (ew!) and being scandal-free. Call me "The Baroness" and I'll pet your "Cobra."