Brian Prahl / Splash News 1 / 5
Brian Prahl / Splash News 1 / 5

By Dana Flax

In what has to be the most "oy vey"-inducing Gosselin news bite published this week (and that's saying something!), the "Jon and Kate Plus 8" patriarch has now declared that he's part Jewish, challenging thousands of years of tradition with the same gravity and staid commitment he's applied to his personal relationships.

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"This is the first year I will celebrate Hanukkah. Hailey [Glassman, his girlfriend] is Jewish. Everyone in my life is Jewish now, [including] my attorney," Jon told ParentDish of the religion's new Jewish-by-osmosis conversion tactics. "I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great. On Christmas, I'll see my kids during the day for a couple of hours."

Hmm, something's not right with this. Speaking as a member of the Tribe, I just don't see how Jon Gosselin could be considered one of the "chosen" people, unless he was "chosen" to be a Bluetooth earbud spokesmodel for Ed Hardy or whatever. Or "chosen" to appear in court. ('cause he's being sued!)

Also, the juxtaposition of the sentences "The family values are great" and "I'll see my kids during the day for a couple of hours" alone is mind-blowing. Where is he getting this stuff? From the secret whispers of his magical earring? I mean, I guess he does have a lot in common with a Bar Mitzvah-aged teenage boy -- at least in the unnecessarily-rebellious-piercing category.

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"I just went through Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and learned about the New Year," the learned Judaic student continued. "I love challah bread. I'm learning about Jewish food ... I'm learning about kosher [practices] and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself."

Nice, Jon! Now if only you could convert "the deli counter" into "the world" in your non-ass-of-self-making activities. Seriously, do it. We hear conversion's apparently really easy these days. (Zing!)

Now, who can we blame for all of this behavior? (There's gotta be a scapegoat somewhere. After all, this is a Gosselin-related story). Jon credits Hailey Glassman, his "rock."

"She's, like, the best girl ever ... She's the rock of my life. She's been through hell in the tabloids. They made up lies that she's a lesbian and she's doing drugs. We've both been through all this turmoil. And we just keep on loving each other."

Well, Jon, while you crusade for Hailey's righteous, upstanding nature, I'm gonna ponder what kinds of rocks form in four-ish months. Igneous? Limestone? Fool's gold? Probably fool's gold. You should just find her a fool's gold engagement ring and make sure you keep on loving each other forever.

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