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By Melissa Hunter

E! has put an embargo on Speidi stories, and I respect that. Their desperate cries for attention border on, scratch that, are full-on disgusting. But like a five-car pile up on the freeway, my morbid curiosity keeps me tuning in to the Speidi Circus. For a while I thought they might actually be in on the joke. Laughing with us/at us all the way to the bank. Maybe they are happy their infamy has gotten them paid, but after reading this interview, I think they actually are just bats--t crazy, without an ounce of self-awareness.

In a radio interview with Alex Jones, the conspiracy theorist who authored "New World Order," the debauched duo went off on an array of topics, one of which being global warming. Listen up guys, this is the soon-to-be President of the United States we're dealing with here.

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Spencer says, "How are we so famous when ... there's been nothing about the biggest bill since the Patriot Act being passed, [the Cap-and-Trade bill, which regulates carbon output, among other environmental issues] and nobody reading it. It's mind-boggling trying to say there's global warming right now."

Those crazy environmentalists (and the majority of Americans) believing there's this kooky "global warming issue." What wacky theory will they come up with next? That Al-Qaeda was responsible for 9/11? Get real.

Spencer agrees with Jones' theory that 9/11 was an inside job, saying, "From your research, it 100 percent is. I want to throw up."

We all do, Spencer. We all do.

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Jones goes on to ask Heidi her thoughts on microchip implantation to end the need for credit cards. She says, "This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body."

The Bible talks about microchip implantation? No way. I gotta dust up on my reading.

She continues, "My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians ... this chip is the end of humanity."

Her body belongs solely to Jesus Christ. And, of course, all the good Christians who pick up a copy of her upcoming issue of Playboy, to show off her body that she was blessed with by Jesus' disciples: Beverly Hills plastic surgeons.

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And her thoughts on birth control? Heidi says, "I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they'd never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it's just sickening to him. How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it."

Right, I've read that, too. The Austrian chemist she's referring too was primarily concerned, however, with the population decrease in Austria, as he believes that every family should have three kids to maintain population levels. And yes, there are side effects, but devaluing women? I think you're doing most of that work there, Heidi. God's work, apparently.

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I'd like to say that's the end of their incomprehensibly asinine interview, but Spencer caps it off by, you know, comparing "The Hills" to the American government, natch.

"The narrator [Lauren Conrad] didn't get along with us. She skewed the information on the show, just like the American government can manipulate the media. We used to have a phenomenal relationship with the media, they've kind of turned on us now because they've created us into such a monstrous thing ... like they made us too big, like they Obama-sized us..."

I'm sorry the media turned on you, Speidi. If it makes you feel any better, I've thought you were monstrous from the start. And please, for the love of God, stop comparing yourself to Obama.