By Saryn Chorney
So, you're not Gisele Bundchen. Boo hoo. Wipe those tiny tears, ladies, and just accept it. Most of us aren't 5'11" with a bod born to be photographed in a string bikini. And when you've got seduction skills like celebrity pinup/fetish model/burlesque performer/new Wonderbra spokeswoman Dita von Teese, you don't need to be a supermodel to snag a dude ... or, er, a demonic unisex creeper like Teese's ex-husband Marilyn Manson. But to each her own.
Recently, the strippin' single Ms. Teese revealed her grand mistress seduction plans to Britain's Hello! magazine.
"No matter what I do, I'm never going to look like someone like Gisele Bundchen. No matter what! So I like creating a fantasy and using glamour as my way of being sexy," she explained.
Exactly. Gisele's overly elongated stems could never gracefully emerge from a life-size champagne glass bath. That's a male fantasy move that only a pro petite nymph like Teese could pull off.
And when it comes to mere mortals, Teese also has a few words of wisdom: "Know your victim."
"I'm not very aggressive," she continues. "I don't seduce and destroy. I like to be chased, but I'm not into playing hard to get."
Right. See, a guy first needs to chase her through a magical lingerie model forest to prove his love. He must then bypass the fragrant lotus flowers, ignore the majestic unicorns, and forsake that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then, and only then, will Dita fulfill his every deviant desire, which of course involves donning a corset and "sexy war" paint.
"Part of the reason I style myself this way is because I never felt I could live up to what is typically shown to us as being sexy in mainstream culture. I never felt like a natural beauty or that I could be pretty without make-up," said Dita.
Judging from this 1990 high school yearbook photo of Dita (then Heather Sweet), we think someone suffered from a severe case of teenage low self-esteem. Clearly she is lovely both ways. In fact, she resembles Evan Rachel Wood, the young starlet Manson ditched her for. And so it goes.
Moral of the Story: A seductive French coquette named Ninon de Lenclos once wrote, "The resistance of a woman to a man's advances is not always a sign of virtue. Sometimes it's just a sign of experience." At 37 years old, Dita knows she needs to up her psychological seduction game to leave both the supermodels and the ingenues in the dust. Or sands of Costa Rica, whatever setting those natural beauty types tend to dwell.
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