- Photo: Pacific Coast News1 of 12
By Kat Giantis
No Gut, No Glory: No, Jessica Simpson isn't in the middle of a great idea after reading "The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg." But she is giving her all onstage at SeaWorld, a Shamu-adjacent performance that earned her a rebuke from PETA. In this instance, however, we say tough noogies to the animals, because the only ones who should be protesting the starlet's appearance are the People for the Ethical Treatment of Apparel. Listen, Jess, those infamous, egregiously unflattering mom jeans may have landed you the cover of Vanity Fair, but do you really think that gyrating in Daisy Duke's denim underpants, the Little Dutch Boy's wooden shoes and Mrs. Juan Valdes' favorite serape while sticking out your stomach like Homer Simpson (no relation) after a doughnut bender will spark another career-boosting weight debate? Forget it. We're onto your game. You're not fooling anyone by dressing in the worst possible clothes for your body, which, by the by, is enviably toned and fit. Yeah, we noticed, despite your best efforts to hide it. So, please, just stop. Get some decent pants (preferably ones that extend a few inches past your tuchis), and, while you're at it, find a new dance instructor and book a gig that doesn't involve scaring innocent marine life.