- Photo: Jen Lowery/Splash News12 of 15
Bland Opening: Miranda Lambert's boobs were suddenly very confused. And chilly. "Brrrr. Hey, anyone else feel a draft?" they wondered to no one in particular. "Yeah, I'm freezing, too," her sternum shot back. "What's going on?" "No idea," shrugged her breasts, "but we're surrounded by enough sequins to keep 'RuPaul's Drag Race' glittering for many years to come. And speaking of drag, this dress weighs more than Cartman after a Double Down binge. If Miranda wants us to stay perky, she either needs to close the barn door a bit or give us a lifting-and-separating weapon to fend off our greatest enemy: gravity."