Please enjoy Wonderwall's exclusive recipes for enjoying your favorite stars, straight up or on the rocks.
THE JEN ANISTINI: In a highball glass, combine equal parts hair extensions, tear-stained pillows, and rom-com scripts. Add a dash of any pregnancy or adoption rumor you can concoct. Mix gently with a Prada stirring stick (what, you don't have one?). Throw the drink directly in Angelina's face and make a run for it.
KIM KOLADA: Combine 2 ounces of hairspray, 4 ounces of lipgloss, and 6 ounces of teenage-boy drool. Pour into a scrutinized, well-proportioned hourglass. Garnish with gold bangles. Allow the glass to sit until sufficiently photographed.
Note: Photoshoppers are not allowed near this beverage.
GAGA ON THE ROCKS: Three parts wacky wigs. Two parts fishnet stockings. Mix in a generous amount of glitter, clown makeup, and cellophane. Squeeze a few drops of Perez Hilton's brown-nosing and Paris Hilton's wrath to taste. Pour into a teacup. Enjoy the odd, inexplicably appealing taste.
MEL GIBLET: Start by pouring booze all over some anti-Semitism, then mix with billions of dollars and a disgruntled wife. Shake it all up with a dash of Russian model red-carpet PDA. Add a splash of Costa Rican salt water. Serve with papers from Mrs. Gibson's lawyer. Garnish with an invisible prenup.
ASHTON AVALANCHE: In a cocktail shaker, pour all of the thoughts in your head and shake until they're nonsensical. With a smug grin, proceed to spray them all over the Internet. Garnish with a picture of your hot wife's butt and wait until you've amassed a million followers. Wrap with a mosquito net, to make yourself feel better. After consuming, play Ding Dong Ditch at Ted Turner's house.
SPEIDI SLAMMER: In a blender, combine silicone, blond hair dye, and Us Weekly exclusives. Add a threat of swine flu and any other headline-grabbing rumors you feel confident will engender more attention. Pour directly into a paparazzo's mouth. Garnish with a few worthless wedding photos. Warning: Consumption may cause delusions of grandeur.
THE FLAMING BRITNEY: Mix five shots of absinthe with the sweat of a few backup dancers. Shake well with arrest warrants, subpoenas, restraining orders and regrets. Pour into a mason jar and light with a torch. Let it slowly burn out. Slowly but surely.
REINHARDT PUNCH: Combine four parts Brody Jenner with two parts steroid-abusing high school quarterback. Add a healthy serving of bar brawls and unwanted red-carpet appearances. Mix in plenty of famous girlfriend spit. Pour into a large stein, tie a short leash onto the handle, and attach the other side to Paris Hilton's talon. Enjoy until she tires of it.
BLOODY KRISTEN: In a glass filled with icy red-carpet stares, combine the jealousy of millions of tweens with the desire of every indie director in town. Add a few drops of Pattinson blood and squeeze an entire lemon until it's too sour to consume. Don't drink it though, because you're just not worth it.
MCCONAUGHEY SHOOTER: In a large shot glass, pour one part lovable country slang and two parts campy red-carpet winks. Add a few drops of sweat from the most world-famous bicyclist workout buddy you have. Stir with your favorite skateboard stick. Pound a few of these then hit on Camila Alves.