By Kat Giantis
Australian for Leer: Miley Cyrus turns the microphone on her fans Down Under. "What's up, Brisbane? Let me hear you make some noise! I can't be tamed, y'all! Come on, I can't hear youuuuuuuu!" The fans' response? "We said, put on some real clothes! Return the garters to the Playboy Mansion! Burn those leather Underoos! And stop yelling at us!"
You've Lost That Lovin' Feline: We can no longer accuse Kim Kardashian of lacking in talent. The starlet has demonstrated an impressive ability to monetize her impending nuptials to Kris Humphries, from selling her engagement photos to registering for $172,000 in gifts, including two $840 crystal ashtrays (because three would have been gauche).
It's enough to make the institution of marriage ask for a straitjacket and a nice, quiet padded room to hole up in until the E!-subsidized nuptials are over.
But then it would miss all the fun, like the low-cut, leopard-print jumpsuit with Big Ben-sized bell-bottoms that Kim wore to search for her wedding dress. The mere possibility that the blushing bride's gown could have this kind of "Real Housewives of Jersey Shore" panache has us giddy with anticipation.
Still, there are times when Kim doesn't want her clothes to garner so much attention …
… And when that day comes, the highlighter-wielding minion whose standing order is to "make sure Kim pops" will fall to his knees in relief, although the hard-working cobblers from Crayola's new shoe division will surely be disappointed.
No Klum for Error: "Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do," grumbled Heidi Klum's hips. "Once, she respected us, sheathing us flattering couture. Now, we're all but forgotten, the silent victims of an adult onesie in the color of day-old oatmeal. Oh, the indignity." Just then, Heidi's crotch interrupted. "Quit your whining," it snapped. "You think you've got it bad? I don't know whether I'm coming or going here." In the background, the chauffeur's curly, Steven Seagal-esque ponytail and manscaped, Backstreet Boy-ish facial hair were secretly pleased. "At last," they thought. "Someone looks even dorkier than we do."
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Gorilla My Dreams: Upon learning that his purloined pelt had been turned into a pair of puffy sleeves for Fergie's swanky leather jacket, King Kong turned despondent. "But it's summer!" he roared. "She can't wear fur out of season! And are those hot pants made of wool? I feel faint. Someone get me a banana before I pass out."
Between a Frock and a Hard Lace: After a string of box office disappointments (and a nasty, persistent rash from her skin-tight "G.I Joe" leather catsuit), Sienna Miller attempts to get her career back on track with a big-screen retelling of a Dickens classic. Alas, after trying on her costume, the actress has trouble mustering much excitement for "A Tale of Two Doilies: No Sex and the City."
These Boots Are Made for Mockin': A steely-eyed Salma Hayek purses her lips and clomps out of a Beverly Hills boutique in footwear designed by Balenciaga, one of the many luxury brands overseen by her well-heeled husband, Francois-Henri Pinault. It's a style statement that says, "I support my partner no matter what," with the "what" in this case being, "Even if I look like a gladiator with the world's tiniest accordion collection strapped to my ankles."
Alley Oops: How fabulous does Kirstie Alley look? Would you believe the "Dancing With the Stars" alum is 60 (and a half)? No, really, we double-checked and she's a sexagenarian (which sounds a lot dirtier than it is). It's inspiring to see Kirstie defy Father Time like this, although maybe for her next red-carpet outing, she can show off her youthful side without wrapping herself in a shower curtain nabbed from a college dorm room.
Right Place, Sarong Time: Every day, it seems we learn something new and interesting about Jennifer Aniston: She's "extremely happy" with boyfriend Justin Theroux; she just got a tattoo honoring her dearly departed dog, Norman; she eats arugula. Now, we can add two more items to the growing list of all things Jen: Her yoga devotion continues to pay off in a preternaturally toned figure, and Mee-Maw panties will soon be the hot new trend in lingerie.
On a Wing and a Flair: Let's start with the positives, shall we? Alicia Keys looks great in this shade of green, and she's radiant with minimal makeup and soft curls. Did we mention her frock's flattering emerald hue? All right, so here's the thing: The fit could be better, the bisecting body ruffle seems superfluous, and caped sleeves are typically a bad idea anywhere besides the Justice League.