VICTORIA ROYALE: In a tall, painfully skinny glass, mix bronzer, glitter, and diet pills. Add a dash of Armani or Gucci brand liqueur (made exclusively for this drink). Stir with a spike heel. Pour over icy glares, and don't you dare go near it.
MADONNASLIDE: Four ounces of 22-year-old model sweat. Two ounces of Botox (repeat as needed). Sprinkle shredded Malawian adoption regulation documents. Shake well and pour into a glass made entirely of platinum records.
PETE WENTZ SOUR: One part breast milk. Two parts Wentz-brand urine. Mix with an ample amount of black liquid eyeliner. Drink with extreme caution (consult physician as necessary).
PARIS HILTINI: Combine equal parts money and privilege. Mix together with a fame-grubbing boyfriend. Garnish with a 2-pound designer puppy.
KAMIKAZE LOHAN: In a blender, add equal parts Red Bull and Marlboro Lights with ice. Pour in a generous amount of tanning spray. Blend until there's a healthy orange glow. Pour into lowball glass, and see if anyone will buy it.
PATTINSON PUNCH: One part hair gel. Two parts pure sex. Splash of blood. Pour over crushed fans into an unwashed glass.
PALTROWPOLITAN: One full cup of GOOP (Warning: Causes nausea for most consumers). Throw in an extra splash of pretention. Add a wedge of adorable Apple. Stir in a crystal glass with a 24-karat golden spoon.
MAYER SUNRISE: Mix inane tweets with sappy song lyrics. Add 2 ounces of Jen Aniston's tears. Rim glass with salty interview comments. Drink only while wearing a man-kini on a cruise ship.
WINEHOUSE SPRITZER: Half gallon of hairspray. Equal parts Caribbean seawater and London fog. Add grain liquor of your choice. Blend with a series of court subpoenas. Pour in mug, add whatever narcotics are lying around. Rinse, repeat.
SETH SLAMMER: One part goofball charisma. Two parts Slimfast. Shake well while wearing indie glasses. Garnish with Playboy bunny ears. Drink repeatedly until Lindsay Lohan calls you.