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A quick glance at the current crop of tabloids might lead you to believe that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in the midst of a relationship meltdown. It's a lot of info to process during your usual quick flip-through in the checkout line (plus, smacking your head in disbelief is best done in private), so we've gathered the tab tales in one handy-dandy place

First up is OK!, which claims that Pitt has given Jolie that most romantic of gifts -- an ultimatum.

"Brad's told her, 'Marry me, or it's over,'" asserts an insider, with another adding, "He definitely wants to get married before they have any more babies."

Seems the glue of Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox simply isn't enough to bond the superstar do-gooders, who have three failed unions between them.

"He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," explains a "friend," who repeats incessant speculation that their ostensible nuptials could take place in the family's adopted hometown of New Orleans. "[Her] becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him that answer."

In Touch, meanwhile, opts for a work angle, positing that Jolie is unhappy over Pitt's upcoming role in the romantic comedy "Important Artifacts" with Natalie Portman because of her youth (she's 27 to -- Polident alert! -- Angie's 33), beauty and education.

"Angelina is threatened by Natalie," a source tells the tab. "The idea of her and Brad filming steamy love scenes makes her incredibly jealous."

Perhaps the Oscar-winning diaper wrangler is just cranky from hunger. According to Life & Style, she's on three diets, and a well-rounded meal for her on the set of the CIA thriller "Salt" is, aptly enough, a "single small salted pretzel."

"Angelina calls it 'movie dieting,'" explains a mole. "She likes the way she looks onscreen when she's slim and angular."

Meanwhile, Star grasps at a straw or three with a yarn about how Angelina "yelled" at Brad over his purported plans to meet up with -- insert exaggerated eye roll here -- ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, who's in town filming "The Baster."

"She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'We are leaving the city right now!'" spins a source.

Then there's this gem from Grazia magazine (via the London Daily Mail), in which Jolie supposedly discovered a slothful Pitt snoozing while the nannies looked after their brood.

"Angelina was completely and utterly exhausted," relays a snitch, "so when she came home after a hard day's work and found Brad had apparently done nothing all day except watch DVDs, she was livid."

Us Weekly, however, denies there's trouble ("Everything is fine," says a source), adding that OK!'s recent cover story detailing Shiloh's budding BFF status with Suri Cruise is also untrue.

"Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend," scoffs a family insider. "Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!"

Next: Britney's hoofer hookups?