Stars Are Nothing Like Us!

By Melissa Hunter

THEY'RE TOO PRETTY TO GET WORK!

It's hard out there for a hottie. Take it from Jessica Biel and Megan Fox, who both recently expressed their outrage that they can't get good parts because they're just too good-looking. Yeah, because Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie — they're just trolls, really. Or maybe Megan and Jessica's array of nearly-naked spreads in Maxim, FHM and the like have made producers pass them over when they're casting for the Eleanor Roosevelt biopic. Either way, their lives are very hard.

THEIR WIGS COST MORE THAN OUR CARS!

Jennifer Aniston donned a wig for her latest movie, "Management," as she didn't want to cut or dye her hair. However, her famed locks were at risk of distracting from the character, because Jennifer's hair is obviously just so darned layered and shiny, so clearly there was only one logical solution: a $10,000 wig. Ten grand to make her hair look a little browner, a little frizzier, and a little shorter. Sheesh. I hope the strands of hair were at least made out of 100 percent unicorn tail.

THEY HAVE A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR PURSE COLLECTION!

Victoria Beckham sweats privilege from her pores, so it's no surprise that she has a lot of handbags. You know, just your average $2 million handbag collection. Posh has around 100 Hermes Birkin bags each of which cost upward of $6,000 (some are in the five- and six-digit range). You can see her here with two of her fave bags. I think that big one has eight or nine small ones inside. You never really know how your style might change midday.

MORE THAN A MILLION PEOPLE FOLLOW THEIR EVERY ASININE TWEET!

John Mayer somehow manages to maintain a million followers for his brain vomit. His captive audience sticks with him even after tweets like, "I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn't." Way to stick it to the man, Mayer! You know, the man who eats his TV dinner while watching repeats of "Friends" every night. He then tweets on to explain the difference between a "showbiz type," "douches," and "famewhores," clarifying that he's just a "showbiz type." In my opinion, @johncmayer, you're a triple threat.

THEY HAVE 10-YEAR PLASTIC SURGERY PLANS!

Like plastic stepfather, like plastic stepdaughter. After Kim Kardashian's stepdad Bruce Jenner had a facelift, she told Us, "One day I will definitely get [plastic surgery] … I think every woman needs a good [breast] lift after they have kids, so I would start with that." See, I thought every woman needed a good pair of sweat pants after they have kids. I stand corrected. But it makes sense for Kim … why have airbrushed pictures when you can get airbrushed in real life?

THEY GET A NEW WEDDING RING EACH YEAR!

Who says diamonds are forever? In Tori Spelling's world, diamonds are annual. Dean McDermott reportedly gives Tori a new wedding ring every year on their anniversary. She tells People Magazine, "I can't wait to one day pass on my amazing wedding band collection to my kids and their kids." She continues, "and my kids' kids' kids and my kids' kids' kids' kids …" Might be a little lavish, but at least she's getting all the rings from one man. That's more than most celebs can say.

THEY LIVE IN MEDIEVAL MANORS!

Natalie Portman has reportedly purchased a medieval manor in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles — surely you remember the Legend of Sunset Boulevard from the Knights of the Round Table story — with cathedral ceilings, an elegant courtyard, a couple guest houses, the works. It's basically her less-than-subtle way of telling all the aspiring starlets out there: "Sorry, ladies, but I have the epic period piece film roles on lockdown. Now please let me sit in my Gothic spire in peace."

THEY HAVE UNATTAINABLE CONCERT DEMANDS!

Jay-Z's list of demands for a concert at the University of Arizona was published by the Smoking Gun. The demands included: a late-model black Maybeck (57 or 62) with tinted windows; hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol, including two bottles of 2004 Sassicaia, a "Red, Italian Wine from Bolgheri Region" stocked in his dressing room; and, of course, the requisite "good quality" peanut butter and jelly (rappers like to party like we do). While the college couldn't find the right car and wasn't allowed to supply booze, he definitely got his gourmet PB&J. As long as they picked up some milk from a brown spotted cow raised in the Himalayas that can moo "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," he won't complain.

THEY BRUSH THEIR TEETH WITH SOAP!

This week, Eminem released his new album "Relapse," which slams a bunch of celebrities. (Eminem? Say it ain't so!) The foul-mouthed rapper redundantly crams in as much indignation and profanity as he can muster. Though amid all the dirt, he stays squeaky clean. He is reportedly a big fan of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap which he uses for body soap … and to clean his teeth. Just his way of preemptively washing his mouth out with soap. Thanks for saving my mom the trouble.

THEY GET 10 MILLION DOLLAR ALLOWANCES!

Britney Spears' dad, Jamie, has a tight rein on his daughter's finances, But don't worry, he's not a tyrant: He filed a court document claiming that he spent $10 million on her behalf over 11 months last year. Wow ,Brit, with an allowance like that, you must have mowed the lawn and taken out the trash non-stop!

THEY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LIKE THEM!

Lily Allen will never go on the London Underground again after her traumatic New Year's Eve experience. No, not a robbery. No, not an assault. People started singing "Smile" when she came on the train. She started crying and got off the train. SMILE?! Oh the humanity! Who are these sickos? Some sort of wacked-out lunatics who have listened to the radio sometime in the past two years?! This is why you keep to your private cars and planes, Lil. They'll surely keep you far away from all those adoring fans.