By Kat Giantis
Slight Women Can't Jumpsuit: Lindsay Lohan has a lot on her plate these days. So to speak. From the time the slimline starlet rolls out of bed in the morning (and by "morning," we mean 2 p.m.), she's on the go, with a to-do list longer than her extensions. There are the hourly photo ops, in which she has to strike just the right balance between put-upon and tickled pink; lunches with producers who have no intention of hiring her but figure she won't run up a big bill; shopping trips made with money she should be saving for an uncertain future; and squabbles with sometime inamorata Samantha Ronson. She's very, very busy, people. With so much going on, Lindsay can't run the risk of having her clothes slow her down, which is why she's renounced her formerly pantsless lifestyle in favor of a more practical look. And nothing says practical like a jumpsuit made from the slipcovered sofa we used to kick back on to watch "Welcome Back, Kotter" reruns in the rumpus room. Lindsay can forget about wasting precious time at the mirror checking out her figure. Thanks to this shapeless number, she no longer has one. And if her jam-packed schedule tuckers her out, her jumpsuit makes it easy to grab a few zzzzzs. She just needs to snap on the matching booties and, voila, footie pajamas!
By Kat Giantis
Stained Lass: Six little letters are all that stand between idiosyncratic, which Katy Perry really wants to be, and idiotic, which she really doesn't. Unfortunately, with get-ups like this, she's rapidly closing the gap. The determinedly quirky popster poses on the red carpet in a collision of kaleidoscopic colors and chafing fabrics. It's tough to decide which of Katy's oddball items annoys us the most. Is it the sequined, ersatz stained glass skirt that should be immediately returned to the Olive Garden window from which it was taken? Or the leather bustier, which by design is meant to be provocative but on Perry comes off as PG-13? Come to think of it, neither the top nor the bottom is quite as aggravating as her nude-toned, no-nonsense pantyhose, which we assume she found nestled in a plastic egg in the musty recesses of her grandmother's closet, right next to those black orthopedic pumps she's styling.
Germ Wore-Fare: Grace Jones listened attentively when her people told her that in order to stay relevant these days, she needed to go viral. They were thinking along the lines of a leaked video highlighting her trademark outrageousness. But she had something with a touch more infectiousness in mind. Always the mistress of understatement, Grace takes the stage with a contagion-laden spore strapped to her head. She pairs her germy headgear with a shoulder wrap held together by a variety of communicable bacteria, along with protective gloves and a mask from Michael Jackson's little-known biohazard business, because you never know when a virus will get delusions of pandemic grandeur. Jones completes her viral-mode look with a velour corset, matching bikini bottoms and fishnet stockings, which it turns out pretty much go with everything, even pathogens.
Some Like It Taut: We love that Fergie isn't afraid to experiment with her hair, but there are times when her tress tests need to be conducted in a controlled salon setting before being unleashed onto an unsuspecting public. This elongated, equine-inspired braid is one of those times. A trial-and-error process would have highlighted the — warning, punniness ahead — many hurdles sure to crop up from such a one-trick ponytail of a mane. Like, for instance, strangers placing bets on her coif to hit the trifecta. Or the untimely demise of thousands of brain cells, who breathed their last wondering if there was ever a more undignified way to die than by a too-tight scrunchie. Or, most annoying of all, the nonstop pestering of school kids who keep trying to climb her hair to earn extra credit in gym. And it's the last one that's causing problems with the rest of Fergie's look . . .
Lady Slumps: As you can see, the tykes' attempts to make like the prince in Rapunzel and scale Fergie's long locks have left them tragically trapped inside her cavernous pants, which are now drooping dangerously low from the added weight. Luckily, the singer is on the case. That randomly strapped orange belt is actually a rescue harness, and her sunglasses, apparently purchased at a Hot Topic outpost on Alpha Centauri, provide a rear-view shot of the trouble spot, albeit one that's slightly obscured by the emblazoned warning, "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear."
Carey On Baggage: Mariah Carey hit the big 4-0 this year, a milestone she refers to as "the f-word." "It's just a number," allows the chart-topper, "but I don't see why women should have to conform to what is expected of a 40-year-old — whatever that is." While we applaud Mariah's positive outlook (even if we don't share her tween-ish love for rainbows and butterflies), she still doesn't understand that constantly unleashing her bountiful lung capacity on the red carpet does not a nonconformist make. Time and again, Mariah has plumbed the tacky, attention-grabbing depths of the barely contained boobage showcased on this colorfully striped Cavalli gown, with its overburdened halter straps one sneeze away from total surrender. It's time for her to make like those butterflies she loves so much and undergo a metamorphosis. After all, at 40, Mariah is earning raves for her role in "Precious." At 40, Mariah just happily celebrated her one-year anniversary with 28-year-old husband Nick Cannon, whom many predicted wouldn't make it past the honeymoon. At 40, Mariah seems more confident in her va-va-voomy skin than ever. She's nonconforming in the right ways. That said, there are still rules that need to be followed, no matter what your age, and keeping your cleavage classy is one of them.
Tent of a Woman: Quiz time, people. Sharon Stone is channeling her inner Evita because a) She's championing the cause of Native Americans, and she figured the best way to show her solidarity was by wearing a teepee; b) She's paying tribute to her dermatologist, without whom she might be forced to kowtow to that harpy, Mother Nature; c) She's showing her empathy for those hit hard by these tough economic times by demonstrating what wondrously fashionable things one can do with a Hefty bag, a pair of scissors and 20 pounds of diamond jewelry; or d) She's earning a few extra bucks by appearing at the opening of the world's most expensive resort in Turkey. If you guessed "d," reward yourself with a marathon of Sharon's finest work. We suggest starting with the gentle comedy of "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol" before segueing into the less gentle comedy of "Basic Instinct 2."
Flakes on a Plane: Traveling is such a nightmare these days, what with the barely controlled chaos of airport security and the nonexistent personal space on board the oxygen-deficient plane. That's why it's so important to choose an outfit that will offer maximum comfort on your trip, especially if it's a long one. Not sure what to wear? Go ahead and borrow a few styling tips from Lady GaGa, who arrived in Sydney, Australia, sporting the next phase in runway fashion. For the long journey Down Under, the pop star opted for a softer-side-of-Sears bra and hoisted-up undies, which are sure to make those inevitable checkpoint pat-downs far more efficient. She also slipped on clear-heeled platforms, which can pass through any X-ray machine lickety-split and are ideal for when you need to do some mid-flight stretching on the nearest metal pole. Lady G also proves how culturally savvy she is by sewing a kangaroo pouch onto her panties. Stuffed inside is her sense of decorum, which she hasn't been on speaking terms with in a good long while.
The Air Up There: Focus, if you will, on Jennifer Hudson's left leg. Yes, we're aware there's a terrifying pleated mutation taking place a few inches away, which is why we need you to stare elsewhere. Admit it: That's one long and shapely stem she has there. In fact, the lovely chanteuse is surprisingly statuesque, which you probably didn't notice during her appearance on the "Today" show because you were too busy trying to figure out why she was wearing inflatable clothing and where, exactly, the air hose attaches. To call Hudson's billowy, body-obliterating separates unflattering is like complaining that the sinking Titanic is a touch damp. A disaster is a disaster no matter how you couch it, although Jennifer's duds could at least double as flotation devices.
Yelloween: Hear that? It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse grimly galloping towards Hollywood. Why the big rush to herald the end of days? Because Mischa Barton has landed a job. On primetime, no less. She's set to star in the CW series "The Beautiful Life," in which she'll play a fashion-savvy model in New York. Too bad filming hasn't yet begun, because when left to her own sartorial devices, the once fresh-faced starlet inevitably gets it wrong. And few things in this world are more wrong than a cascade of tie-dye, yellow-tipped fringe spewing from beneath a Big Bird-hued leather biker jacket. Except perhaps if you add matching jazz shoes to the mini-skirted mix. On the plus side, the actress's flashy yet sensible footwear will surely make her the envy of every interpretive dancer and aspiring mime around.
Cross My Heart and Hope to Dye: Taylor Momsen is best known as fashion designer-cum-social schemer Jenny "Little J" Humphrey on "Gossip Girl," but we still fondly remember her as Cindy Lou Who from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," the bucktoothed moppet with sculpted braids who made Jim Carrey's pea-sized heart grow three sizes. Or at least we did until the peroxide-happy starlet decided to prove how she, too, has grown three sizes. Now we're going to have to break out the wire brush and bleach in the vain hope that we can scrub the image of little Cindy Lou's peekaboo black lace bra from our brain, along with her airtight leather pants and sheer apron from Victoria's Secret latest venture, kitchen-themed lingerie. No 15-year-old, not even one who fronts her own rock band, like Momsen does, should be wearing undergarments as just plain garments. And nice try with the cross, but tossing a sacrilicious accessory over the offending region doesn't make it any more virtuous, as Madonna proved when she styled a similar religiously racy combo while dancing around a church in her "Like a Prayer" video. And at least the Big M waited until she was old enough to vote before she turned her bra into a fashion statement. Don't try to grow up so fast, Taylor. Save something for when you turn 21 and desperately need the publicity.