Stars are Nothing Like Us!

By Melissa Hunter

THEIR PETS HAVE NICER HOUSES THAN WE DO!

Owning 17 designer Chihuahuas is a serious responsibility, especially in the puppy-storage department. Paris Hilton has done what any decent dog owner would do in this situation: build the ultimate puppy palace. She recently took some TwitPics displaying her Chihuahuas puppy manse, complete with a mini-spiral staircase, chandelier, and an air conditioner. She even showed one of her pups gnawing on a Chewy Vuitton. The surprising part about this is, well, it's not that surprising. Though I always envisioned the dozens of puppies all cuddling with Paris in bed at night while Doug curled up shivering at the bottom of the bed. Guess my breakup theory has been debunked.

THEY DROP A MILLION DOLLARS ON A PAINTING!

Brad Pitt went on a million-dollar shopping spree in Europe last week … and came back with one item. While at an art show in Switzerland, he reportedly purchased a $956,000 Neo Rauch 9-foot-wide oil painting titled "Etappe" (Which means "Hop." How arty.). He apparently looked at the painting for a few minutes while "rubbing his goatee and fidgeting with his tweed hat" (not my detailed imagery; leave it to the Wall Street Journal). He walked away from the painting, but a few minutes later came back and bought it on the spot. Though when you put it to a net-worth scale, buying a million-dollar painting is equivalent to my impulse double-pack-of-gum purchase at the grocery store.

THEY GET THREE BOOB JOBS!

Apparently the idiom "third time's a charm" was always referring to boob jobs. Even though she only has two breasts, Victoria Beckham reportedly just underwent her third boob job, this time to reduce the size of her chest. Denise Richards also recently was quoted as saying she too has gone under the breast knife thrice, the third also being a breast reduction. While Victoria and Denise adjust to their newly, vaguely proportional fun bags, creepy dudes everywhere cry over this major boob-reversal trend.

THEY CANT TELL THEIR GIRLFRIENDS APART! (OH, AND THEY HAVE MULTIPLE GIRLFRIENDS!)

Hugh Hefner was inconsolable after his breakup with "The Girls Next Door." Oh wait, did I say inconsolable? I meant indifferent. He has picked up three brand-spanking-new blond GFs, two of which are identical twins (and the third must be their estranged cousin from the Plastic Blonde Bimbo clan). He says, "I have one little trick: One has a little mark [on her neck]. Other than that, I don't know." In his defense, Hef has probably been surrounded by thousands of blondes in his day; and then there's that whole senility thing. Incidentally, the 19-year-old twins Karissa and Kristina finally prove that dressing your identical twins alike as kids has serious side effects as adults.

THEIR PRESENCE CAUSES STAMPEDES!

Robert Pattinson recently caused an Orange Alert-level hysteria on the streets of New York when he, um, walked through the streets of New York. While leaving the trailer during filming for his new movie "Remember Me," he was spotted by a handful (horde may be the more appropriate term) of "Twi-hard" fans, who promptly screamed and ran after him. Once the fans caught up to him, they not only took pictures, but clawed and screamed and grabbed any part of R.Pat they could get to. And here I thought vampires were scary. Both crew members and private security were needed to get Pattinson back safely to set. A witness said, "You could tell it was all starting to get to him, especially the hecklers." Hey, Rob, if you need advice on alienating your fans, you might want to consult your misanthropic co-star Kristen Stewart.

NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE THEIR NAMES!

Katy Perrys of the world, beware: Your birth certificates are at risk of copyright infringement. Katy Perry is suing Australian designer Katie Perry for exclusive rights to the name. Aussie Katie Perry started a Katie Perry loungewear label two years ago, but when she tried to trademark the brand last fall, it sent red flags to the rock star's camp. Katy Perry, born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, and her team sent a letter telling her to stop trading. The Aussie is devastated but isn't going down without a fight. Stay tuned for Katie Perry's hit single "I Kissed a Girl and I Hated It. Bite Me."

THEY RENAME THEIR FAMOUS FRIENDS!

And in a name game across the pond, our favorite GOOP blogger wrote in her newsletter about how Katie Lee Joel and her husband William came over for dinner a couple years ago. Who the heck is William Joel? Gwyn, if you're gonna name-drop, at least make it clear. But, there you have it. Gwyneth has officially changed Billy Joel's name to William Joel. "William's" rep then told Us Magazine, "No one calls him William." Alright, Gwyneth, maybe we can arrange a trade: You can call him William if he can call you Gwynnifer. Just don't call anyone Katy Perry. I've heard that might cause some issues.

THEIR ENGAGMENT GIFTS COST MORE THAN MOST ENGAGEMENT RINGS!

Usually when you get engaged, telling your future parents-in-law the news comes with hugs, tears of joy, and maybe some champagne. But when your soon-to-be mother-in-law is Rita Wilson, chances are, you're gonna get a little somethin' extra. Rita Wilson reportedly gave her stepson Colin Hanks' fiancee, Samantha Bryant, a $10,000 handbag to congratulate her. Hmm, for some reason I can never find the five-figure handbag section of Marshall's. Keep it up, Samantha, and you'll have your very own Posh-level multimillion handbag collection by the time you're pregnant with your firstborn.

THEY CAST THEIR BEST FRIENDS!

It's tough making friends in the big city. That's why God invented casting directors. Whitney Port will be getting two new contractually bound BFFs in this season of "The City" named Roxy and Samantha. So wait, they hired a porn star and the wild one from "Sex and the City?" Oh wait, they're just "normal" women. But hey, guess what? They're crazy party girls who get into a lot of trouble! Who'd have thunk it?! It's a good thing she's got some girlfriends though, since Whitney recently broke it off with her boyfriend, Jay "Low Ratings" Lyon.

THEY BUY RESTAURANTS TO TRY TO FIX THEIR RELATIONSHIPS!

Billy Joel was apparently pulling out all the stops to try to fix his marriage with 27-year old Katie Lee Joel. Hmm, what to buy your wife when your marriage is on the rocks … Red roses, sexy lingerie, maybe a romantic dinner? Or how about a whole restaurant? Yep, a restaurant is probably best. Reports came out earlier this week that Billy Joel was looking to buy his chef wife Katie Lee Joel an Italian restaurant in the Hamptons. The pair have since announced their separation. Sorry, Billy, restaurants don't save marriages. Buy an island, then we'll talk.