By Molly Goddard
3:26pm PST, Jan 7, 2025
Trolling Hollywood's Endless Award Shows
"It's such an incredible honor to be here at the
Golden Globes. Hollywood's seventh most important night!" Glaser joked of the endless amounts of awards ceremonies in Tinseltown.
Dax Shepard's "Armchair Expert" Podcast
"The Golden Globes is the only show where you can see the biggest stars in movies and television joined together with the same goal — getting out of here tonight before
Dax Shepard asks them to do his podcast," Glaser added, trolling the actor's "Armchair Expert" guest list.
Sean "Diddy" Combs' Upcoming Trial
"Think about it, this is the last time all of you will be in the same room together until the
Diddy trial," she quipped about
Sean "Diddy" Combs' highly anticipated court date in May after he was charged with alleged sexual assault and trafficking.
Matt Gaetz's Alleged Scandal
"Anora [the film] has been called the most unflinching look at s– work since Matt Gaetz's payment history," Glaser said, referencing the politician being accused of violating Florida's statutory rape law.
Ben Affleck and His Exes Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner
The host explained how she thought about doing a tossed bit where she nearly said, "Am I gonna roast or am I gonna toast? You know what? I'm not roasting. I'm gonna toast! And I just did all these toasts that were roasts. Like, 'Here's to
Ben Affleck, I can't wait to see which Jennifer you try to ruin next!'"
Nicole Kidman's Stoic Face
"This one … we shot it for a promo, and they almost aired it on CBS, and then we were like, that will get me canceled," Glaser recalled before revealing the joke was "
The Wild Robot is nominated tonight, and by that I mean
Nicole Kidman after two white wines."
Alec Baldwin and the 'Rust' Shooting
"
Michael Keaton was so great in
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. And
Alec Baldwin sadly did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them,"
Glaser said in reference to the tragic 2021 accidental shooting of cinematographer
Halyna Hutchins.
Adrien Brody's History of Holocaust Films
After
Adrien Brody won awards for being in films based around the Holocast,
The Pianist and
The Brutalist, Glaser quipped, "If
Adrien Brody could go back in time, he would thank baby
Hitler for his career."
The Ages of the 'Only Murders in the Building Cast'
"
Only Murders in the Building is amazing, and I think it's so cool that legends like
Steve Martin,
Martin Short and
Meryl Streep are still at it, putting out some of the best performances of their careers. It's so inspiring, and it just goes to show you that you're never too old to still need money. Guys, please don't fight
Jake Paul. Please don't do it. Why are you still working so hard? Did you get caught up in the Hawk Tuah crypto scheme?" she joked.
Nicolas Cage and His Older Spirit
"
Nicolas Cage is here tonight looking well-rested after a night of sleeping in
Elvis' coffin," Glaser said before adding another jab she thought of. "Nicolas Cage is here and so is the band of skeletons that follows him playing ragtime jazz!"
'Joker: Folie à Deux's Lackluster Reviews
"I saw Joker 2 and, you know, it reminded me of when the first Joker came out and I was in the theaters and I was afraid someone was going to shoot it up. And then during Joker 2, I was really hoping they would," she noted.
Alleged CEO Killer Luigi Mangione Stealing Glen Powell's Spotlight
"Glen Powell is
nominated tonight for
Hit Man. Who would have thought you'd only be the second-hottest hit man in America?" Glaser
joked about the public's fascination of alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO killer
Luigi Mangione.
Comparing 'Squid Game' to Hollywood
"Squid Games is a show where people starve themselves while ruthlessly competing for the ultimate prize. Oh, wait — no, that's this show," she quipped.
Timothée Chalamet's Role in 'A Complete Unknown'
"
Timothée Chalamet took lessons in guitar, dialect, movement and vocals to become
Bob Dylan [in A Complete Unknown]. While
Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old-fashioned way: heroin and autism," she quipped.
