Celebrity Personal Ads

If you think dating is tough, imagine what the stars go through. Luckily we're here to help 'em out. Check out this week's swinging celebrity singles, including Miss California Carrie Prejean, Perez Hilton, Michael Jackson, Michael Phelps, Susan Boyle and more…

By Saryn Chorney

Hot, Blond and Moral, 21, seeks opposite marriage with like-minded, inarticulate homophobe. Likes: Winnin' pageants, wearin' bikinis, walkin' in high heels and Cali (duh). Dislikes: Adam and Steve, non-"fluff" questions, mean bullypants bloggers, and itchy evening gowns. Buy me a crown and pray for Perez Hilton's soul, and I'm all yours. God bless the USA!

Hollywood's Most Hated Blogger, 31, lookin' for love in all the lowdown and dirty, red-carpeted, non-closeted places. Likes: Doodling, humiliation, Paris Hilton (obvs), Britney, Lindsay and all the "dumb B and C-word" celebs who make my job super easy. Dislikes: Miss California, starlets in panties, lawsuits and diets. If you enjoy Franken Berry cereal, controversy and mini goldendoodles, I'm all yours!

Multiple Medal Winning Underwater Freak of Nature, 23, seeks simple model and/or cocktail waitress-type for high times and lounging by the pool. Likes: Swimming (natch), Speedos, money and MADD. Dislikes: Pesky Miss California rumors, getting caught smoking dope, Kellogg's cereal and this whole role model thing. Call me Gomer and I'll stroke your Mayberry.

Never Been Kissed Phenom, 48, seeks vision-impaired gent with a voice as soft as thunder for church-going, bedtime lullabies, Broadway musicals and making life worth living. Likes: Staying home for days at a time, watching "Britain's Got Talent," playing with my cat Pebbles and dreaming dreams. Dislikes: Beauty contests, judging folks by their appearance, first impressions and makeovers. Piers and/or Simon lookalikes preferred. Let's live the years together!

Formerly "Lost" Bad Girl, 30, seeks (blue) crush object of either gender and any sexual orientation for fast and furious Hawaiian joyrides, boxing, sparring, and frequent karaoke sessions. Enjoys rollerblading, playing piano and writing letters from prison. Must respect my nomadic spirit and tolerate destination wedding benders. If not, [bleep] you!

King of Pain, er, Pop, 50, seeks pretty young thing for mask-sharing, child-birthing and frequent rides to medical treatment centers. Likes: Monkeys, moonwalking, crotch-grabbing (only my own), watching Peter Pan in bed with the whole fam, and "Thriller" nights (especially in Dubai). Dislikes: Catching on fire, sinus issues, "those" allegations, the nickname "Wacko Jacko" and having to sell my stuff. Billie Jean is not my lover — but you could be!

Squinty Sweetheart, 40, neither British nor overweight, seeks reliable, appropriately famous male entertainer (any variety) for squiring duties around Hollywood. Appreciates eccentricity, dressing for awards shows, being the Harvard Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year. Dislikes fraudulent marriages and "You complete me" jokes. Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz and/or Winona Ryder leftovers OK.

Next Jodie Foster/Meryl Streep, 15, homeschooled, precocious and virginity-conscious seeks equivalent boy genius and/or "Twilight" hottie for burgeoning foray into mainstream tabloid coverage. Likes: Cats in hats, Sean Penn, Tom Cruise, my goldfish Flounder, knitting and other wise-beyond-my-years activities. Dislikes: Abigail Breslin, Daveigh Chase, my naturally curly hair, creepy dolls that look like me, all the hoopla over "Hounddog." Bonus points if your name is Oscar!